A Ton of Bricks

I find it interesting how as human beings our emotions very so much and can change in such a short period of time. Why is it that we can go from amazing, wonderful, happy and cheerful to sad, solemn and missing people and things within the course of a few minutes? This is not to say that I have drastic mood swings, am bipolar of anything like that. I just find it funny that the smallest thing can trigger our emotions to that point of changing them.

This just happened to me. Maybe it is the possibility of drastic change in my life, maybe it is just being tired or maybe I am just not as over things in my life as I though. I honestly don't know. I do know that I had a great day. I am excited about this semester, changing my major to a MDiv, taking amazing classes and making great new friends. I read a good book, took some time for myself (white space) had a great dinner with the best friends God could give me and watched one of my all time favorite movies (Benny and June). What could be better?

Coming home, driving in the car alone, leaves time to think, to let my mind wonder. Wonder to the what ifs and I don't knows. Wonder through the whys and maybes of life. Thinking about the past and the future wondering and even hoping. Then the simple realization that the one person that I really want to talk to right now, really doesn't want to talk to me. That is fine. They have no reason to talk to me. But why is it that I still want to talk to them? I still miss them being around. I miss the long hugs and the simple phone calls. I thought that this was done. I thought that I was good. I was good. Why now? Why now when there are so many amazing things going on? Is it the possibility of huge change? The possibility of moving? I don't know. I don't understand. All that I know is that I can't hold on forever. I don't even know why I wonder back to the place, to that person. It was a happy time and good time, but not in God's plan now. That is what I need to remember. God's plan and purpose is bigger than me and my simple wants. His plan is a kingdom plan and I need to follow His will and not mind.

I just hope and pray that I am able to completely let this go and not try to think or do anything that is not in the plan God has. I think that maybe the fear and uncertainty of the future leads me back to the safety and security of the past. I don't know. I just think that it is funny.