The past few weeks have been really hard for me. It is like I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Going up and down, twisting and turning and as soon as I think that it is over, it changes directions and goes backwards back through the ups and downs, twists and turns. I'm tired now. I feel like I'm at that point where I just want off. I don't want to be on the ride anymore.
Over the past few weeks I have been hit hard with a few things. I was hit pretty hard with the reality of my support raising. This has been a constant struggle for me over the past year and a couple of weeks ago all the frustration came full circle and the realization of the relationship between support and time with the kids became reality.
Over this time I have also been hit hard with the realization that I am lonely. I miss my friends and family terribly. I think that it has been more frustrating because I have tried to befriend people here and it seems to be more work than it is worth. I haven't been able to find people to spend time with that really just allow me to be me. You know those people that you can just be with and there are no expectations. You don't worry about what you are going to say or what you do, but you are just completely you. I miss those friends so much that it hurts. I miss people that feel safe, that I'm not afraid of saying something that is going to offend them.
This is not to say that I don't have friends, but it just isn't the same. The people that I really do fit with and feel safe with are at a different place in life than I am. All the people that I click with are married and don't have the freedom to just hang out and spend time together. There are kids and spouses that need their time and I love that, but at the same time I feel the desperate need for people. I have never really had to try to make friends, I have always had a great group of some of the greatest friends someone could ever ask for and they are still my friends, but from two states away. That changes things.
All this to say, I miss people, I miss connections, I miss the safety of being able to do or say anything. I really do feel lonely in a way I never have before. I love being here and I love my job, but I really would love some real friends, people to connect with. I guess that I just need to keep putting the effort into friendships.
2 comments:
first of all i love you and i miss you. second i'm in this Bible study at school and our leaders from campus crusade all had to do support raising. our female leader told us how her now husband would propose to her until they both had all their support. she said it just took a lot of patience, but it came. last, yes you can put more effort into your relationships, but most importantly you need to rely on God to meet all of your need, both with money and with comfort. draw close to Him and He will draw close to you.
Jessica,
As I have read your recent blog entries my heart goes out to you. I am sorry that I have not taken much time for you since my Sabbatical and role change. Katelynn is right and I encourage you to use this time to draw nearer to the Lord. Contentment is a gift only God can give you when you realize that He is your sufficency in everything from support raising, to ministry, to relationships with those here in Washington. Rest will come as you become content in Him. Remember to leave some white space in your life. He loves you more than you'll ever know. Keep your eyes and heart focused on his loving gaze.
Bronco
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