Thanksgiving

As everyone knows yesterday was Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in my 26 years of life that I have been away from family. Honestly, it was strange to not be at my aunt's house listening to my dad, uncle and grandma talk about politics, hearing my other uncle make snide remarks about family, still sitting at the kids table and running away to the movie theater with my cousin. I really missed it. They may seem strange, but I love my family and all the quirks that come with them. Needless to say I woke up yesterday and was sad. I was soon reminded though what we were really celebrating yesterday. Thankfulness.

I am thankful that I get to be here in Washington, one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to step out of the box and live a life that is completely different than the plans I had for my own life. I am thankful for the amazing people that are in my life. The amazing friends that I have met here in Washington, who have accepted me and loved me as their own without any qualms. I am thankful for my friends back home who are still some of the dearest people in my life. I am thankful for the amazing family that God has blessed me with, who love me and support me even when they don't understand why I do the things I do.

As I ate Thanksgiving dinner last night with Janelle, Dave, Anna and Ethan I realized how thankful I am. How thankful I am for friends like Nell and Dave who are more than friends, they are family. It was an awesome Thanksgiving with people I really love and I am grateful for family, friends, life, beauty, art and everything else that comes along with it. I am thankful for the here and now, the ability to love, hope, grow and be. Even though I may complain or cry, I may wish or dream, I am thankful for all that God does. I am thankful.

Stinkin Cold

I awoke this morning freezing cold. It was 55 degrees in my wonderful trailer and I was fearful to get up and leave the safety of my warm blankets. After I finally got the heater to start working I opened the door to find a frozen landscape in front of me. The entire place was covered with frozen dew. The grass was frozen, the car was frozen and by the time I was done walking my dog, I was frozen. The best part was when I returned from walking my dog I went to take a shower and the waterline to the trailer had frozen. I had no water!!! Finally the family whose house I live at came home and I was able to use their shower, but let's just say I was a little late to work. All this to say, I am adjusting to the cold, but this is really cold. I mean 45 during the day, 45 is a cold night in So Cal. There is the story and here are some pictures of the coldness this morning.

Random Randomness

I have had some random thoughts going through my head the past couple days and just decided to write them down. It ended up sounding pretty good (at least I think so) and I thought that I would share. This was the result of a random brain storm. Please respond on any or all of my questions...I am curious about others also, am I crazy with these thoughts? I don't know, but here goes...

Do you ever wonder how life changes so quickly or where you
would be if you had made different decisions, stood up for things or said
something that you really wanted to say, but were too scared?

Do you ever wonder how you got to the place you are
physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you were to talk to
someone that you miss terribly or if you were to really express who you
are?

Do you ever wonder why people and things come back into your
life at the strangest times and thoughts won't leave your head?

Do you ever wonder why emotions seem to be stronger than
rational and why your heart seems to always get in the way of your head?

Do you ever wonder why or how or what if?

Do you ever wonder...I do.

Church

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about Churches, The Church, community and everything that goes along with these words. I have come to realize that I don't know how I feel about church anymore. This is not to say that I don't believe in the greater concept of The Church, but I have realized that I am very frustrated with churches. I think that many of them have lost their focus. They have forgotten about the greater concept of kingdom work and have become consumed by legalism, rules, definitions, buildings, events and money. No longer is the church about love, hope, discipleship and community. It breaks my heart that the church is not open to the broken and hurting people unless the people are willing to conform to their rules, standards and regulations. I mean honestly we have been called to Love, to Love everyone. Christ loved and went to the broken and dirty people. The people that didn't look like everyone else, talk like everyone else and live like everyone else. My heart is broken by this, it makes me sad that we are turning people away because they are different. When did we stop reaching out? When did saving face become the way of the Church?

I believe in the church and I love my church here and back home, but recently I have seen a trend that scares me. Not to say that it hasn't been happening for years, but my eyes have been opened to it and in a time when we claim to be so progressive, multicultural and aware how is it that we are so willing to close our doors and keep things safe, make ourselves look good and forget what we are really hear to do? We are here to offer hope and love to people who don't have it. Things need to change.

Always Ontime

I continue to find it amazing how God knows what we need when we need it. When I got to work this morning I had an email from one of the most amazing women I have ever known. Her email came right when I needed it. I have been discouraged and down the past few days and her email really offered the encouragement needed. This is what it said:

I pray, Jessica, that you will be encouraged, uplifted,
and carried through
this time. I pray your perseverence will lead to
fruit that cannot come
except by this way. I pray that God is getting
glorified in this
weakness. I pray that you know how much we love you
and believe in this
situation. HANG in there. Look up these
verses, but first here is
what my Bible study said today: "If I can
encourage you through my own
real-life pain, I'm telling you straight up-
stay. When you're too weary
and disillusioned to do anything else,
keep staying. God is working out
your faith. He's moving in ways
you can't even dream of. He's got a
comeback plan (though he's never
really behind) So do whatever it takes.
If you can't take the guy next
to you, wear earplugs. Endure the
staleness, Follow . Just don't
leave. Hang in there, you.
Upsets are especially
thrilling. Don't leave before the "upset" in the
game takes
place."

Verses:These are the blessings that accompany
faith,
patience, and perseveance:
Ps. 130:57
Gal. 6:9
Heb.
6:12 Heb. 10:35-36 Jas. 1:3-4 Jas. 5:7-11
Heb.
11:8

I love you. Journal these passages. Your life
is
writing a story right now. Write it down! You will make
it!

I pray that if you are discouraged that these words of encouragement may also help you.

Loneliness

Lonliness, it is an emotion or feeling that continues to amaze me. Not to think that I think it is something that is good, but it continues to hit me and work me at the most inopportune times, the times that really just don't make sense. I find it funny how at a time when I have more people surrounding me with prayer and time, that I feel more lonely. Maybe it is me just missing friends, maybe it is missing those significant relationships and the fact that I am having to build new relationships. Maybe there is something I have to learn. I really don't know. All that I do know is that loneliness keeps attacking and from every direction. I try to anticipate where it is going to come from next and somehow always seem to guess wrong. From the left or the right, from the past or the present I never know and never seem to be prepared. It is a vicious emotion that feels as it is eating you from the inside out and hurts in ways you could never imagine and the worst part is that it is really all in our minds. There is an answer and it is letting go and letting God have control of it, letting him fill the voids, yet it is so hard. Why is it so hard to let go of something that hurts so much? I don't know if we will ever be able to answer that.

Anyone?

I am really wondering if anyone really reads my blog or if I am just writing to myself. That is totally cool, too. I do enjoy writing.

So here is my thought...if you read this please leave a comment and let me know that you are here. That you are reading...that someone is out there.

Thanks

School

I have a little dilemma with school and I am not quite sure what to do. When I was in Southern California I was working on an MAEL (Masters of Educational Leadership) I was informed that if I wanted to go onto higher education (ie my PhD) then I should work on my MDiv (Masters of Divinity). So that was my new plan. THe MDiv requires 81 units while the MAEL is 49 units.

Well, the other day I was asked why I was working on my MDiv if I didn't plan on becoming a pastor. I informed my professor that I wanted to go onto get my PhD. I was then informed that if I wasn't planning on getting a DMin (Doctorate of Ministry) or a PhD in Biblical studies that I didn't need it. So here is the dilemma...I can potentially finish my MAEL, but we don't offer it at my campus, so I would have to travel to Mill Valley in the summer and in January to finish those few classes. I could switch and get a MTS (Masters of Theological Studies) which is also 49 units, or my third option is to double major and get both. If I did both I could use both depending on which way I want to go for my PhD (secular or Christian).

Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated. Other peoples opinions are always helpful.

Lives Changing

I love to see lives changing and people growing. I just received an email from a dear friend of mine. She was just sharing about her life, what was going on and the experiences she has been having. The amazing things about this friend is that at one time she was in my youth group. She was a freshman who was unsure of herself or anyone else for that matter. It has been an amazing journey over the years with her to see her grow and mature into honestly one of the most beautiful young women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love watching her, spending time with here, talking to here and learning from her.

She was telling me today of the learning she has gone through in the last week and the transition from one significant place in her life to a new and exciting place. I can't wait to see what is going to come of this new stage, how she is going to be grown and stretched. I can't wait to see all that God is going to do with her and I am grateful that He has given me the opportunity to walk with her, to grow with her and to watch her.

She is truly beautiful and one of my favorite people ever and I consider myself blessed to be on this journey with her.

One of Those Days

So today is just one of those days where nothing seems to work out the way you would like it to. I mean seriously since I woke up this morning, I couldn't find the close I wanted to wear, I had to take care of the kids, parents didn't come home when they needed to, I was late to work, hit something in the yard when I was leaving this morning...it was crazy and really left me in a bad mood. I felt bitter, annoyed and really just not a happy person this morning. I began to think about what would make life better, moving into my place? Having more money? I have come to realize though, that life isn't going to be perfect, we are going to have those bad days and we are going to have good days. In all I have to let go and let God be in control. Alright, here I go...

The Office

The Office is my favorite show...seriously it is the funniest show ever. I am so excited that it is on tonight that I can't even stand it. I just wanted to share in my excitement.

Oh, just another awesome thing...Scrubs starts again next week. That show is hilarious. I am really sad thought that this is the last season.

Oh and one more thing, if anyone is looking for another hilarious show. Check out Chuck on Monday nights. It is really funny. He works at Buy More and for the Nerd Herd. It is so funny!!!

Officially Unofficial

Well it is official, unofficially. I am new "Youth Leader" at Crossroads Fellowship Church in Arlington, WA. I have been attending there for about a month and a half and have been helping with their newly formed youth ministry. The Pastor was running everything in the church (it is a small church plant) so offered my services. I was helping anyway, so it really wasn't a big deal to step into a leadership role. So I am in charge, but we are keeping it on the DL (down low) for a few months to see how things go and because I am still new to the church. So there it is I am officially Unofficial.

Stability

Yesterday afternoon I was having a conversation with one of my friends back home in California. We were talking about his wedding that is rapidly approaching (November 11th) and somehow got on the conversation of my singleness.(It always seems to come up when I am talking to him) I was informed that I am single because of the fact that guys my age and older are looking for stability and I don't have any to offer. I don't have a job that makes great money and I am not looking to get married and have kids tomorrow. I found this comment to be very interesting. Is there really something wrong, first of all, with me being 25 and single? And do I really have no stability to offer? Is that really what guys my age are looking for?

I was informed that that is really the only thing that is wrong with me, but I am left wondering if that is really something that is "wrong with me"? What about the fact that I am doing the work that fits me? That I am pursuing the passions that God has given me? That I am following the talents that God has given me? Do those count? I don't know... Any thoughts?

Coincidence?

Do you ever have thigs happen in life that make you wonder if they are really just a coincidence or if there could actually be some real meaning behind them? I have had that happen this week. Not going to go into detail, but it is interesting how things can come up that make us question the true intention behind them.

That is my random thought for the day...thank you.

Defeat?

For the past few days there has been this haunting feeling of defeat hovering around me. I feel as if I am stuck I an trying so hard to push my way through, but something is pushing back and not allowing me to cross the line. It is like when you are watching football practice and they run and hit the pad with all their might, but it really doesn't go anywhere. That is where I am. I have been hitting and running and hitting some more, but I am becoming tired. My body is becoming weak and my hits seem to be making less of an impact.

The interesting thing is that even though I feel tired, worn out and defeated I don't feel like I can stop. I feel as if I must keep going, I know that there is something better on the other side. I know that there is a reason and a purpose.

Encouragement

I received an email from a friend yesterday. She has always been an amazing encourager and mentor in my life. This is what it said:

"It is tough being a grown up, and I love how God applies just enough pressure to make us depend on Him and not cry out to anyone or anything less than Him. Remember how shepherds would break the legs of the lamb that were independent so they were completely disabled. Then He would carry them around his neck until they healed. While the shepherd was carrying the lamb, the lamb grew very accustomed to hearing the shepherd's voice and once through the healing time, the lamb had become so dependent on the shepherd that he never once again wanted his independence and followed closely the rest of his life because he knew and loved the voice of the shepherd.
Got dependence?
I love you and just keep hanging around your shepherd's heart and neck. He'll carry you through and in the meantime grow very
accustomed to His voice.

Love you."

It is truly amazing to me how God works through other people, their love and their words. He knew where I was, what was going on and what I needed. I am so grateful for the amazing people the God has placed in my life and the impact that they have even from so far away.

She is so right also, it is interesting how God knows when we need to be hanging around his neck, learning to be completely dependent on him and nobody else. He is teaching me and I am learning, learning His voice in a new, distinct and powerful way.

Procastination

So I have to admit that I am the worst procrastinator in the world. I have been dreading doing my Hebrew homework this week. It is now Sunday afternoon and I am still trying to find other things to do besides my homework. I know I am a super slacker, but I feel like this kid when I do it.

Beginnings of something good....

Some awesome things have been happening around Arlington and I am super excited. The one thing that I am really excited about the fact that I am really starting to grow some deep relationships with some of the girls here. They come into the office almost every day after school and are really excited to hang out, talk and to really be friends. This is super exciting because I am beginning to see God working here. I am seeing a sparkle in their eyes that they didn't have when I first met them. They are excited and I can't wait to learn and grow with them. God is really at work here and I can't wait until I am able to spend more time with them. I am also excited about some other girls that have recently come into my life and that are a little more reluctant, but definitely in need of someone to love them. It is going to be exciting to see what happens and how God works.

Friday Night

I have to say that my Friday night was absolutely amazing!!!! ok not really. It seems that I have gotten old. I am 25 years old and my Friday night highlight consisted of walking my dog around the neighborhood and then playing a board game. It was fun, but I think that I may need to make some more friends...I thought that I still had a few more years of fun and exciting Friday nights. Oh, well it was still a good time.

Bad Week

Ok, so this week had to be one of the worst weeks of my life. I know it isn't THE worst because I can name a few right now that have been worse, but this really tops the charts. Let's start at the beginning of the week:

Sunday- I took about 7 Jr high boys Geo Cashing. It was fun, but it was pouring rain most of the time, and Jr. High boys don't know how to walk and after 4 miles they were walking sooooooo slow. In the middle of our excursion I learned that there is a facility for level 5 sex offenders right across the street from the secluded foresty path we were walking down. Needless to say I was not excited about that. After that I ended up talking to the pastor and his wife for about three hours. This wasn't bad except for the fact that I didn't get home until 9:30pm, still had to finish homework and had to be up at 3:30am to leave for school on Monday.

Monday- 3:30am, still pouring rain. I left for my 3 hour drive to Vancouver, WA for school at about 4:45am. About an hour into my trip I see police lights flashing behind me. This sucks, it isn't like I haven't been pulled over twice since I left California. This time I was only going 65mph though. That is what really sucks. The police officer proceeds to get my info and tell me about the safety on the road and if everyone else breaks the law am I going to also. I began to start crying like a little baby. Like not kinda crying totally can't breathe like a little kid. He comes back and tells me that it was my lucky day because his computer system was down. God is Good!!! I was really excited about that!!! Anyway, I continued my drive and ended up 1/2 hour late to class. Hebrew class, I don't know what is going on as it is, do 1/2 and hour late really makes things worse. The rest of Monday was ok except for the seriously bad headache I had for the rest of the day.

Tuesday- Again pouring rain. I got to work late because someone decided to clean the bathroom before I got in the shower, so I had to wait. Then we had a Steering Committee meeting. Not bad, I got some free soup. Free food is always good. The rest of the day was a blur, Bible study and WalMart at midnight because I was leaving for a four day trip and ran out of hair gel. (side note: I really despise WalMart).

Wednesday- Good start to the day...the rain stopped!!! Did lots of laundry and packed to go to the Staff Retreat and then off to Idaho. The plan was to return on Saturday. We left and started the trip, the staff retreat was going well until I got the phone call. My dog had bit my best friends daughter. Great, fantastic, great timing. Well, she was ok and we decided that things would be ok until he went after her little boy. Now what? I seriously have the nicest dog ever. He freaked I guess with me being gone and didn't know what to do. Needless to say this lead to trying to figure out what to do and the conclusion that Idaho wasn't going to happen. I was seriously bummed about that.

Thursday- The end of the Staff Retreat was good, but oh, it started to rain again. We finished up, came home and I took care of my dog. He was freaked out. I felt really bad for him.

Friday- Well the decision for Eli (my dog) was to take him to my friends house during the day and then take him home with me at night. Kinda like a dog sitter. So we had doggie meet and greet time. Since he has two other dogs. That went well and then I went to work, which was fine. Then on the way home hit all the traffic anyone could hit. Needless to say it took me 2 and a half hours to get home. That was just fantastic.

That was my week. It was very emotionally draining. Needless to say I think that Eli and I are ready to have some space. I have been sooooo grateful for my best friend and her husband for all of their hospitality and for letting me stay with them, but I think that I am ready. I hope that this week is a little better. I am ready for it to be better.