Christmas in the OC

Bethany and I went to the beach on Christmas Eve...it was fantastic. The sun was shining and people were smiling. I have to say that the beach still is my favorite place. It was really an awesome day to spend with my cousin who I haven't seen in a long time. We hung out, ate some Chipotle and went to the Christmas Eve service at Shoreline. After that it was off to Animal Beach in Dana Point. I have to say it is still one of the most amazing beaches I have ever seen. The way the moon hits the waves as they crash creates these dark blue wave. It is truly amazing. I have come to wonder what animal beach looks like during the day though. (I always go late at night). Anyway...here are some pictures of out day at the beach.

Crazy times in California

Well, I flew into California on Wednesday night and I don't think that I have stopped since I have been here.
Here is a rundown of what has happened.
Wed
-flew in on Wed night to Ontario airport.
-went to in and out
-got to the OC at about 11pm and went to bed.
Thurs
- Picked up my dad at 8am to head to the Long Beach VA hospital for a angiogram
-Dropped my dad off and headed to Fountain Valley for lung with my Aunt and Uncle
- Took my little buddy to Starbucks and visited my 3 friends that work there in the process
- Dropped my little buddy off
- Picked up my dad at the hospital and took him home
- got Matt some Starbucks
- Came home, got stuff together and drove out to San Bernadino to see my sister
- Talked with my sister for a while and fell asleep at about midnight
Fri
- made Fudge until 3pm with my sister
- drove back to the OC
- Went to the Young Adults Christmas party at Shoreline
- Go to go on a harbor cruise and look at the Christmas lights (the highlight of my night)
- Stopped by the youth all nighter to say hi and ended up being there until 2am.
Sat
-Up at 9am and talk to grandma for about half an hour
- has lunch with Jessica
-Went to Coffee Bean and read some of my book
- Went to downtown HB with Lizzy
- Went to Katelynns and watched "It's a Wonderful Life" (my favorite movie of all time)

So that is what I have done since I have been back in California. Tomorrow I am going to be going to Church and lunch with like half the church...I still have a week and a half of people to see and things to do.

Taking White Space to a New Place

Today I decided to have a little white space time. If you don't know what "white space" is it is that time in your life that you spend with God in between the lines of daily life, letting God into those places, the margins, between the words. This morning I woke up and instead of doing my Lectio Divina decided that I would read some of the book "Story" that I was only about 30 pages into.

Well, "Story" engulfed me. I read and read and read some more until the book was completely done, when it was over I was trembling, literally. The experience, the thought, the emotion that began to come up from inside me was amazing. I read a story that I thought I knew, creation, Israelites, God, Christ, birth, death, Resurrection, life. I knew all of this, but somehow I came to revisit all of this in a new way, an exciting, hopeful and amazing way. All this to say that the Story is something that we should all revisit. We all need to remember how everything fits together. Not three points to this truth and twelve ways to live a better life or have a better family, but the true reason for at least why I am here. Hope, love, life, death, excitement, amazement, sacrifice and choice. That is it that is the reason. Or as people would say right now "the reason for the season."

I encourage everyone to take your white space to a new level and revisit the amazing story of God and remember that you are a part of that story.

Peace

Over the past few weeks I have been having a hard time dealing with life. Worries, stresses, the unknown; all of these have been invading my thought, my actions and my life. It has been hard. This morning I took some time to sit, and be with God. I have been practicing Lectio Divina for the past couple of weeks and the passage I have been reading is from Psalm 130. I would like to share it because today it hit me hard, it over whelmed me, and penetrated deep down to the core of who I am.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

Today I wait in anticipation of the Lord, watching, searching, hoping. I have hope in Him, His plans and His future. Today I feel peace, peace that I haven't felt in a while, peace that is overwhelming and exciting. Today I know it is all going to be okay.

Your Thoughts

I am in the process of writing a paper about the Church. It is not intended to be something that slams the Church, but an honest look at what needs to change if we are really going to reach people in this generation. Here are a few things that I am thinking:

- The Church has become more about the building than the people.
- We have made it so that people have to be like us before they can come
instead of accepting them as who they are.
- We have forgotten the story, Christ's story and our story. In this
we have made the Bible a text that has to be memorized and known, but the
experience is gone, the emotion, the journey have been left out.
- We have made God an out there God a great God that can't be reached
instead of a personal God.
- The hope, mystery, and life have been drained out of Christ.
- We have forgotten that Christ's story was dirty. He came into a
dirty story, loved dirty people and saved the dirty. We have forgotten
that we are dirty.
- Community has gone away. People in the church are no longer open,
honest and authentic. Instead we hide behind our Bible Answers and fake
smiles and fake community.
- I think that hope, story, authenticity, vulnerability, love and service
need to be brought back into the Church.
- We need to remember that Christ loved everyone and that is something that
we forget.

Ok, so these are my thoughts, I am still figuring out where I am taking this fully, but I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions. I am not saying that anything I am saying is right or wrong, just where my thoughts are leading. What do you think? What is good about the Church today and what needs to be changed?

Stress

There are some parts of life that I just don't understand. Honestly, there is alot about life that I just don't understand. Right now, though, I just don't understand why everything has to hit at the same time. Why can't trials in life come a little at a time with a nice flow so that you are ready to take things as they come? Why is it that when trials come if feels as if a damn is breaking and everything is hitting from all sides?

I have to be honest right now and admit that I am having a a hard time. I love being here in Washington and I adore the kids that I work with, but I am having a hard time with support raising. I feel stuck. I don't know who else to talk to, I don't know where else to go and I am worried about my finances. It is hard to keep going sometimes when I know that bills have to be paid and I don't always know how it is going to happen. It is hard to decide what to get and what not to get, it is hard wondering if I am going to have enough for next month.

I am also really stressed with school, it is the last week of the semester and I have a paper to write and 2 finals to study for next week. This paper really means alot to me because it is a look at the Church and what needs to change if we are going to reach people in the here and now. This paper is something that I am passionate about, but makes me afraid that I am not going to be able to articulate what I am trying to say. I know that sounds silly, but it creates stress in me.

I am also having a hard time adjusting to not having people to do things with all the time. I always wanted to slow down in life, but now I feel almost lost. I don't have anyone to go see or hang out with. It is an odd feeling, one that I really don't know how to deal with. I have also been thinking alot about people in my past and contemplating talking to them again and this has been messing with my head.

To add more to this, since I have been in Arlington my whole world has been turned upside down in terms of what I think about ministry, how it works, how the church works and sorting through all of this has been a draining process. I feel as if I am at a crossroads and truly have to decide which way is the right way to go and this is hard to figure out.

I'm sorry top just unload so many things right here, but I really want to be honest about who I am and what it going on. I am stressed and don't exactly know what to do with it. It is an interesting time and a learning time, but a hard one at that. I don't know how I should feel or what I should think. I want all the answers and I want everything to make sense. I want to see the big picture and know why I am feeling what I am feeling; why I am going through what I am going through, but I know ultimately that this can't happen. I know ultimately there is a purpose somewhere and it all will come together. I just wish that it could be one at a time instead of everything crashing down at the same time.

Community

I have been thinking a lot lately about community? What does true authentic community look like? What is needed to have an authentic community? Vulnerability, trust, love, faith, hope? I truly believe that deep at the core of every person there is a burning desire for community, acceptance and love. If this is true how do we accomplish this? Is it part of the Church or not? What does it look like? Is there structure? Is it completely organic?

I know that this is a bunch of questions, but I would like to know your thoughts, feelings and ideas. What do you think true community is?

Worship

I have been spending a lot of time this past week thinking about worship. Now when I talk about worship I am talking about the actually worship service at a church, where we stand and sing and pray and listen. I know that worship takes on different forms and we all worship in different ways, but lets focus on the worship service for a while.

Here is the deal, I have been having a hard time with the worship at my church for the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it is the Southern Baptist in me that wants things to have an order or if the uneasiness that I have been feeling is something more. I am wondering when worship stops being worship and becomes a performance and a soapbox? Am I, as an imperfect human even able to make a judgement on that? That is where my problem lies. I feel as if the worship leader goes on and on in more of a show than that of surrender. Inserting sermonete after sermonete between songs and sharing opinions instead of letting it be a time of reflection. It could be me. It could be my problem, it isn't the way I am used to participating in worship and I do understand that, but if it is distracting me is it distracting others as well?

So here is my question...what does worship look like? can we say? Can we limit a leader? I don't know...what do you think?

Thanksgiving

As everyone knows yesterday was Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in my 26 years of life that I have been away from family. Honestly, it was strange to not be at my aunt's house listening to my dad, uncle and grandma talk about politics, hearing my other uncle make snide remarks about family, still sitting at the kids table and running away to the movie theater with my cousin. I really missed it. They may seem strange, but I love my family and all the quirks that come with them. Needless to say I woke up yesterday and was sad. I was soon reminded though what we were really celebrating yesterday. Thankfulness.

I am thankful that I get to be here in Washington, one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to step out of the box and live a life that is completely different than the plans I had for my own life. I am thankful for the amazing people that are in my life. The amazing friends that I have met here in Washington, who have accepted me and loved me as their own without any qualms. I am thankful for my friends back home who are still some of the dearest people in my life. I am thankful for the amazing family that God has blessed me with, who love me and support me even when they don't understand why I do the things I do.

As I ate Thanksgiving dinner last night with Janelle, Dave, Anna and Ethan I realized how thankful I am. How thankful I am for friends like Nell and Dave who are more than friends, they are family. It was an awesome Thanksgiving with people I really love and I am grateful for family, friends, life, beauty, art and everything else that comes along with it. I am thankful for the here and now, the ability to love, hope, grow and be. Even though I may complain or cry, I may wish or dream, I am thankful for all that God does. I am thankful.

Stinkin Cold

I awoke this morning freezing cold. It was 55 degrees in my wonderful trailer and I was fearful to get up and leave the safety of my warm blankets. After I finally got the heater to start working I opened the door to find a frozen landscape in front of me. The entire place was covered with frozen dew. The grass was frozen, the car was frozen and by the time I was done walking my dog, I was frozen. The best part was when I returned from walking my dog I went to take a shower and the waterline to the trailer had frozen. I had no water!!! Finally the family whose house I live at came home and I was able to use their shower, but let's just say I was a little late to work. All this to say, I am adjusting to the cold, but this is really cold. I mean 45 during the day, 45 is a cold night in So Cal. There is the story and here are some pictures of the coldness this morning.

Random Randomness

I have had some random thoughts going through my head the past couple days and just decided to write them down. It ended up sounding pretty good (at least I think so) and I thought that I would share. This was the result of a random brain storm. Please respond on any or all of my questions...I am curious about others also, am I crazy with these thoughts? I don't know, but here goes...

Do you ever wonder how life changes so quickly or where you
would be if you had made different decisions, stood up for things or said
something that you really wanted to say, but were too scared?

Do you ever wonder how you got to the place you are
physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you were to talk to
someone that you miss terribly or if you were to really express who you
are?

Do you ever wonder why people and things come back into your
life at the strangest times and thoughts won't leave your head?

Do you ever wonder why emotions seem to be stronger than
rational and why your heart seems to always get in the way of your head?

Do you ever wonder why or how or what if?

Do you ever wonder...I do.

Church

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about Churches, The Church, community and everything that goes along with these words. I have come to realize that I don't know how I feel about church anymore. This is not to say that I don't believe in the greater concept of The Church, but I have realized that I am very frustrated with churches. I think that many of them have lost their focus. They have forgotten about the greater concept of kingdom work and have become consumed by legalism, rules, definitions, buildings, events and money. No longer is the church about love, hope, discipleship and community. It breaks my heart that the church is not open to the broken and hurting people unless the people are willing to conform to their rules, standards and regulations. I mean honestly we have been called to Love, to Love everyone. Christ loved and went to the broken and dirty people. The people that didn't look like everyone else, talk like everyone else and live like everyone else. My heart is broken by this, it makes me sad that we are turning people away because they are different. When did we stop reaching out? When did saving face become the way of the Church?

I believe in the church and I love my church here and back home, but recently I have seen a trend that scares me. Not to say that it hasn't been happening for years, but my eyes have been opened to it and in a time when we claim to be so progressive, multicultural and aware how is it that we are so willing to close our doors and keep things safe, make ourselves look good and forget what we are really hear to do? We are here to offer hope and love to people who don't have it. Things need to change.

Always Ontime

I continue to find it amazing how God knows what we need when we need it. When I got to work this morning I had an email from one of the most amazing women I have ever known. Her email came right when I needed it. I have been discouraged and down the past few days and her email really offered the encouragement needed. This is what it said:

I pray, Jessica, that you will be encouraged, uplifted,
and carried through
this time. I pray your perseverence will lead to
fruit that cannot come
except by this way. I pray that God is getting
glorified in this
weakness. I pray that you know how much we love you
and believe in this
situation. HANG in there. Look up these
verses, but first here is
what my Bible study said today: "If I can
encourage you through my own
real-life pain, I'm telling you straight up-
stay. When you're too weary
and disillusioned to do anything else,
keep staying. God is working out
your faith. He's moving in ways
you can't even dream of. He's got a
comeback plan (though he's never
really behind) So do whatever it takes.
If you can't take the guy next
to you, wear earplugs. Endure the
staleness, Follow . Just don't
leave. Hang in there, you.
Upsets are especially
thrilling. Don't leave before the "upset" in the
game takes
place."

Verses:These are the blessings that accompany
faith,
patience, and perseveance:
Ps. 130:57
Gal. 6:9
Heb.
6:12 Heb. 10:35-36 Jas. 1:3-4 Jas. 5:7-11
Heb.
11:8

I love you. Journal these passages. Your life
is
writing a story right now. Write it down! You will make
it!

I pray that if you are discouraged that these words of encouragement may also help you.

Loneliness

Lonliness, it is an emotion or feeling that continues to amaze me. Not to think that I think it is something that is good, but it continues to hit me and work me at the most inopportune times, the times that really just don't make sense. I find it funny how at a time when I have more people surrounding me with prayer and time, that I feel more lonely. Maybe it is me just missing friends, maybe it is missing those significant relationships and the fact that I am having to build new relationships. Maybe there is something I have to learn. I really don't know. All that I do know is that loneliness keeps attacking and from every direction. I try to anticipate where it is going to come from next and somehow always seem to guess wrong. From the left or the right, from the past or the present I never know and never seem to be prepared. It is a vicious emotion that feels as it is eating you from the inside out and hurts in ways you could never imagine and the worst part is that it is really all in our minds. There is an answer and it is letting go and letting God have control of it, letting him fill the voids, yet it is so hard. Why is it so hard to let go of something that hurts so much? I don't know if we will ever be able to answer that.

Anyone?

I am really wondering if anyone really reads my blog or if I am just writing to myself. That is totally cool, too. I do enjoy writing.

So here is my thought...if you read this please leave a comment and let me know that you are here. That you are reading...that someone is out there.

Thanks

School

I have a little dilemma with school and I am not quite sure what to do. When I was in Southern California I was working on an MAEL (Masters of Educational Leadership) I was informed that if I wanted to go onto higher education (ie my PhD) then I should work on my MDiv (Masters of Divinity). So that was my new plan. THe MDiv requires 81 units while the MAEL is 49 units.

Well, the other day I was asked why I was working on my MDiv if I didn't plan on becoming a pastor. I informed my professor that I wanted to go onto get my PhD. I was then informed that if I wasn't planning on getting a DMin (Doctorate of Ministry) or a PhD in Biblical studies that I didn't need it. So here is the dilemma...I can potentially finish my MAEL, but we don't offer it at my campus, so I would have to travel to Mill Valley in the summer and in January to finish those few classes. I could switch and get a MTS (Masters of Theological Studies) which is also 49 units, or my third option is to double major and get both. If I did both I could use both depending on which way I want to go for my PhD (secular or Christian).

Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated. Other peoples opinions are always helpful.

Lives Changing

I love to see lives changing and people growing. I just received an email from a dear friend of mine. She was just sharing about her life, what was going on and the experiences she has been having. The amazing things about this friend is that at one time she was in my youth group. She was a freshman who was unsure of herself or anyone else for that matter. It has been an amazing journey over the years with her to see her grow and mature into honestly one of the most beautiful young women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love watching her, spending time with here, talking to here and learning from her.

She was telling me today of the learning she has gone through in the last week and the transition from one significant place in her life to a new and exciting place. I can't wait to see what is going to come of this new stage, how she is going to be grown and stretched. I can't wait to see all that God is going to do with her and I am grateful that He has given me the opportunity to walk with her, to grow with her and to watch her.

She is truly beautiful and one of my favorite people ever and I consider myself blessed to be on this journey with her.

One of Those Days

So today is just one of those days where nothing seems to work out the way you would like it to. I mean seriously since I woke up this morning, I couldn't find the close I wanted to wear, I had to take care of the kids, parents didn't come home when they needed to, I was late to work, hit something in the yard when I was leaving this morning...it was crazy and really left me in a bad mood. I felt bitter, annoyed and really just not a happy person this morning. I began to think about what would make life better, moving into my place? Having more money? I have come to realize though, that life isn't going to be perfect, we are going to have those bad days and we are going to have good days. In all I have to let go and let God be in control. Alright, here I go...

The Office

The Office is my favorite show...seriously it is the funniest show ever. I am so excited that it is on tonight that I can't even stand it. I just wanted to share in my excitement.

Oh, just another awesome thing...Scrubs starts again next week. That show is hilarious. I am really sad thought that this is the last season.

Oh and one more thing, if anyone is looking for another hilarious show. Check out Chuck on Monday nights. It is really funny. He works at Buy More and for the Nerd Herd. It is so funny!!!

Officially Unofficial

Well it is official, unofficially. I am new "Youth Leader" at Crossroads Fellowship Church in Arlington, WA. I have been attending there for about a month and a half and have been helping with their newly formed youth ministry. The Pastor was running everything in the church (it is a small church plant) so offered my services. I was helping anyway, so it really wasn't a big deal to step into a leadership role. So I am in charge, but we are keeping it on the DL (down low) for a few months to see how things go and because I am still new to the church. So there it is I am officially Unofficial.