The Wedding

So the wedding last weekend was awesome. Sorry that it has been a week and haven't said a word. This week has been a little crazy.

The wedding was awesome. It was so great to see my brother and spend time with him. I met some of his friends and they were awesome. I do have to say that I have never seen a family drink and smoke as much as his family, but overall they were awesome. It was amusing being the only sober person in the house, but it was great. Jeremy's wife, my new sister in law, was very sweet and beautiful and my new nieces are so cute. I can't believe that I am an aunt.

The wedding was small, but beautiful. It was a fast, but fun trip. Now I'm ready to start having a relationship with Jeremy again. I am excited to have my brother back.

A Little Frustrated

Ok, so I am just going to share that I am a little frustrated right now with school. I feel like I am getting dumber and dumber by the day. I studied so hard for my New Testament midterm and I know that I totally bombed on it. I couldn't remember all the information. I mean when a professor tells you to study everything that you have talked about the whole semester it is a little frustrating. I need a little guidance. Then I get to class today and my partner let me know that I said Tanzania was in West Africa and not East Africa. What was I thinking? Am I crazy? I know where Tanzania is. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying so hard and I feel like things just aren't working. I know it will work out, but I have put so much effort into school lately and I feel like things don't reflect this effort. I have put in the effort!!!!

Here We Go

So, tomorrow is the big day. My brother is getting married. I am so excited for him and hope that this is going to be amazing for him. This is his second marriage and he now is going to have 3 kids. Wow!!!! I'm going to be an aunt as of tomorrow at 4:30pm. That is crazy. So I get on the plane tomorrow at 6:30 am and will see my bro at 8am. I haven't seen him in 2 years. I am so excited, but nervous because I haven't seen him or his soon to be wife. His friends don't even know that I exist and the rest of my side of the family isn't going. It is just me. I am excited, though it is going to be fun!!!! I'll let you all know how it is. The turn around is one day, though. Back on Sunday for my New Testament midterm. Fun, Fun, Fun!!!

Revolve

This weekend I took three of my youth, one high school and two Jr High, to the Revolve Tour at the Honda Center (formerly the Arrowhead Pond). I honestly wasn't looking forward to two days worth of girls, girls, and more girls. I mean I am not exactly the most girly of girls and a weekend geared toward youth girls seemed to have cheese written all over it. I was pleasantly surprised by this experience. The speakers were amazing, the music was decent and the girls were a delight. The best part was the fact that the speakers were real. That is one thing that I look for is people being transparent with our kids and they were. That was awesome. I even learned a few things and came out of the weekend on fire to share with girls how to be girls of God in today's world. I wish that there was something like this when I was there age. I might have been able to learn some things before I made the mistakes I made.

One major realization coming out of the weekend is my secret desire to speak at a conference like this. I have this passion and desire to share with girls, to help them not make the same decisions that I did in the past and hopefully help them before the get to that point. I want to travel around the country and share reality, be real and most of all help girls to see that they are beautiful, and should be confident in themselves. I want girls to feel the love that Christ has to offer and to know that He will fill those holes if they allow Him to. I want so desperately to share this. I wonder if God will ever allow me the opportunity to fulfill this hidden dream. That would be amazing!!!!

Paper Writing

I have hit a wall. I have been writing a paper on Tanzania and missions in that country for the past 3 hours and am so tired of it that I can't focus on it any longer. I need to, though. 12 pages are due monday and I have to work tomorrow night. Not to mention the other work that is due tomorrow and monday. This needs to be done now. I am so tired of Tanzania I want to scream. It is interesting, I am just tired of working on it. I want to just sit and veg for a couple of hours. Just a couple of more weeks and that could be a reality. Wow!!!! I can't wait for that one. Ok...back to Tanzania...all I have to say is I should have given my partner the paper and I should have taken the powerpoint. Those are alot easier. Oh well, this is going to be good, I can feel it.

Realization

As I am sitting here in my bed checking email and reflecting on the day I have come to a realization that hurts to reveal, but alas is true and needs to be released. I have realized that a dream I have had of a reconciliation in my life may never happen. Learning that others have also changed their plans and the idea of being forced to see each other not happening because of this has allowed me to realize that God is completely at work. Holding onto the dream is no longer an option and only God knows if it will ever be fulfilled, but as of now I need to let go of it, mourn the loss of the dream I have wanted, oh so desperately, and allow God to work. It is hard and is still a process, but one that is going to have to happen because that hope of a maybe looks less and less like a reality and more and more of a let go. So here I am trying desperately to hold onto anything realizing to truly allow God to work I must let go. It is not giving up on a dream, but a letting go and allowing God to do His will and not my own.

The New Job

I am so excited that I do have a new job and it starts on Sunday. I am going to be working at Lakeshore learning. It is going to be awesome!!! The best part is that it is 5 min from my house. That rocks!!! I no longer have to drive and sit on the freeway for an hour and a half to get there. I get to work in an envorinment that is nice and plesant and not surrounded by intollerant people. I am so excited about God's provision and knowing what it is that I needed in my life.

The Week

This week has been an interisting one, to say the least. I think that I have gone through every emotion that I am capable of over the course of this week...and the crazy part is that the week isn't over. The week started with a realization that the job I have been doing can't be done any longer. I realized that I was hating my job. I mean literally hating. I would become angry while there and just dispised every minute of it. I have been praying for a while about this and finally came to the answer of putting out resumes. I did and the next day got a job offer and took it. I start this weekend and quit the resturant yesterday. I no longer have to serve an impatient teenager pancakes at 3am.

I feel complete relief over this, but now have been hit with the overwhelming stress of having to write a 12 page missions paper by monday. This would be fine, but I have to take youth girls to the revolve tour. It is going to be great and an amazing experience for them, but I could put the time forth to work on my paper.

Finally, I have gone through the emotions this week of loss. I have realized many things and still feel a loss even after so many months of being alone. I miss that one person that I want to talk to more than anyone else. I miss that person that sat on the couch and let me rest my head. I miss it all and have come to realize that it still hurts. I think that the worst part is that others can see him and I can't. They come and tell me and then I remember and have to deal. It is funny though because I feel this loss, but I know that it is God's will for now and until I can totally depend on God for everything I am not going to be given another chance. I need to wait for God's will to be done and let go of my own. I've been learning, but it isn't the easiest learn ever. I know that learning doesn't have to be easy and most of the time it isn't, but right now I wish it was.

New Job

Just to let everyone know I need a new job. I can't handle IHOP any longer. I am so tired of the late nights and the early mornings. I am so tired that my words have begun to slur when I speak because my brain isn't functioning. I am at the point where I am willing to quit and take my chances looking for a job...I know that I can't do that though. I can't wait until I find a new job...I have an interview at the Hallmark store on Wed. That would be cool if they pay enough.

Worship

Worship at our midweek Bible Study this week was awesome!!! We lost our worship leader a couple of weeks ago and have had Chad Collins filling in for us. Itwas amazing. The kids were engaged and worshiping. I didn't have to move and sit by anyone and they honeslty seemed to enjoy the expereince. It was just great to see after a few weeks of complete disregard for worship it was very refreshing to see them engaged. It is a little helpful that Chad has an amazing gift for leading worship. I am so great ful for his help and hope that he hangs around to help out a little longer, but whatever God has. It was god to see and gave me some hope in our ministry.

Halloween Haunt

I just want to let everyone know that I despise Halloween Haunt. I am tired of working until 4am because people want to go be scared out of their minds. I mean that is fine if they want to go, but why does my resturant have to stay open that late? I don't think that we should cater to these people, most of them are very disrespectful as it is and at 3am I really don't want to be nice to anyone. Ok that is my rant. I am now off to IHOP...I don't want to go...Please help me.

I do like my internship though.

Cute

Tonight I was sitting at Starbucks reading my Creative Bible Teaching book and a couple sat down at the table next to me. I didn't mean to, but I kinda overheard their conversation and soon realized that they were on their first date. It was so cute to hear them talk to each other, ask questions and learn about each other. It was funny, too, because you could tell that they were trying to impress each other. You could hear the excitement in their voices and also how nervous they were. It made me think, remember and smile.

I thought about the last time I did that...I sat at Starbucks, too. I remember thinking how cool the guy was and being so excited. I remember the butterflies in my stomach and the occasional silences. That was fun. I do miss it, I miss the butterflies and the soft looks. It was exciting, though to see two people enjoying each other over a simple cup of coffee.

Exciting

So this morning I met with one of my favorite people in the world...Mrs. Katie Edwards. She seriously rocks my face off. We talked and she always has something new for me to learn in the area of youth ministry. Her ideas are so amazing and just blow me away. I am so excited that God has placed her into my life as a friend and mentor. It is so awesome for me to see that women can do youth ministry even though it is such a male dominated field. Even more exciting is that she is willing to help give me insight on anything from my own personal life to youth ministry. She is so down to earth and I hope and pray that as I grow and learn more about student ministries that I will be like her. I am so excited about where this is going and I just am so excited. Katie is totally hooking me up with all kinds of curriculm, books and games. I am so excited I can't stand it. It is so exciting!!!

Scared

I found out that my best friend in the whole world, Janelle, has a growth and they had to remove it. It could be cancer and I am really scared. She has two beautiful children and a loving husband. I am so afraid of what could happen. She is the best friends that anyone could have and I honsetly don't know what I would do without her. We have been through everything with eachother. She is having surgery on Oct 11th and I pray that God will guide her through this. The good news is that I get to go to Seattle and see her and I get to see the kids that I still havn't seen yet. I am so excited!!!!! I just pray that we make it to that point.

Let them exceed the expectations

Have you ever felt so strong about something that it hurts when it doesn't happen? That is what I realized, today, is happening in the ministry that I work in. I love youth ministry, I love the kids, I love the everyday work, but I am so frustrated right now with the direction the ministry is going. It seems like we are stale and stagnent and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. I have this vision, this amazing vision where our students are engaged, excited and truly experiencing the amazing love and beauty of God. I know it can happen and the resources that we have are so amazing compared to so many other ministries, but it is all being hindered by difference in visions. What do you do when the people above you don't have the same vision? How do you handle that? Where do you take it? These are all the questions that are going through my head. Something needs to happen before this ministry begins to die. I'm not one to talk about numbers, but I am one that want to have these students fed and right now it isn't happening.

The worst part is that I can see where this ministy can go. People just need to make decisions and allow this ministry to go to the limits...let it meet and exceed peoples expectations.

Awesome Realization

Today I realized something....I love what I do!!!! I know that sometimes I complain, but I am so greatful for where God has put me. I love the amazing students that have been placed into my life and I am so excited to see how God works in this amazing ministry. I love school, too. I know that I complain about the work, but what I am learning is so awesome. I love the reading and the assignments, I mean yeah it is work, but work that i actually like.

Thank You, Lord for your amazing work. It is a wonder to me how you work and how you do things, but I can see that you know and that is amazing!!!!

Frustration

I am so frustrated right now. There is so much work that I need to get done before Monday night and I don't even know how I am going to get it all done. I have to read a book and write a paper on it and read two chapters from another. All for one class!!!! Now, there would be no issue, if I didn't have church in the morning and work tomorrow night and to top it off I cant sleep now. There is just to much stuff on my mind. I think that I might be going crazy.

Amazing Friends

I would like to introduce you to some really amazing friends. These two girls are awesome becasue they love to go on amazing adventures with me. This is Addie, Katelynn and I in Morro Bay. This was one of the best trips of my life. Thank you for your love of the outdoors and of course beach cruisers.

To learn and apologize

Over the last week I have been doing alot of learning as I have been reading for my Biblical teaching principles class. I doing this reading and research I have come to a conclusion that I would like to share. There is background on this that I would like to share also.
There is someone in my past, who was a very important person in my life and will always hold a special place that I would like to appologize to also. I will explain.
I have been learning about learning styles and how our learning styles are a part of who we are and how we do things. There are two styles that I would like to share. One is based on emotion, thinks with their heart and not always the head. This person cares about what others think and will do anything to make people happy. This person has a random personality and doesn't think in any sort of a linear pattern. The other style is analytical, very much non emotional, isn't very sentimental, is a researcher and scholar.
Now, I do have a reason for telling you this information, beyond the fact that I find it very intersting. I am sharing this because the first style represents me, or at least where the test placed me. The other one seems,(at least in my head) to represent this person that was very dear to me. When this person said I was too emotional, thery were right. When I said they were too unemotional, I was right. The problem is that I expected this person to respond the way I wanted instead of allowing them to be who God created them to be. I tried to make them make sense to me instead of listening and learning about who they were and allowing them to be that person. For that I would honestly lilke to apologize. I am sorry.
I have learned that many times if someone doesn't make sense to me I get frustrated instead of trying to learn and grow from that point and work with people for who they are and have been created to be. Please forgive me for expecting more from you that you were able to give. That is my fault and again I am sorry. I have learned to step back and learn how I can be more understanding and not expect everyone to meet me on my emotional level.
I pray that you will read this and accept my apology. Thank you for what you have allowed me to learn.
For everyone esle...I am going to try to not subject you so much to my emoness. I am learning how to meet people where they are at. I love this learning at this point in my life. It is amazing how every day I learn something amazing and new.

Amazing Morning

So today I had a revelation...why not go down to the beach and do my morning Bible study? So that is what I did. At 9am this morning I parked my car by the Starbucks on Main St, in beautiful HB, got a cup of coffee and walked down to the sand. It was amazing. I remember why the beach is my favorite place. It was beautiful and peaceful. I sat there for an hour and read my Bible and prayed and then proceeded to finish my readin for class. Three hours later I figured that I should go to the office and get some work done. It was amazing, though and just the white space that I needed after a weekend of being bombarded by memories. It was a time to clear my head and realize that God's plan is so much bigger. It's funny how every once in a while we just need to be reminded of that.