Reflection

Over the past couple of weeks I have found myself in a state of reflection. This state of reflection has been the result of having my 25th birthday, the Holiday season, the thought of a new year and finishing my first semester of Seminary. I have been thinking of where I was at this time last year, what God has done and really what has happened over the past year. Here is a little reflection...
-I began a life of partying
-I quickly ended a life of partying.
-I began a Masters program in American Studies
-I met an amazing guy.
- I did well in my first semester of Grad School, but hated it.
- I realized that it wasn't what God had for me.
- I taught PE
- I realized that PE wasn't for me.
- I became very broke very quick.
- I realized how far I had walked away from God and realized that I needed to let go and let Him work.
- I ended up with a boyfriend
- I thought about moving to Riverside.
- I thought about moving Churches and ministries.
- I found a closeness with God that is amazing and still growing.
- I dropped out of Grad school.
- I found a new ministry and new Kids that blew me away.
- I realized that Student Ministry is where God had me to go.
- I applied to Seminary and was accepted.
- I stopped teaching.
- Had a relationship, that taught me alot about myself and how people should be treated.
- Grandma went to the hospital.
- Grew amazing friendships.
- Stopped talking to my mom.
-Started talking to my mom again.
- Broke up with my boyfriend.
- Experienced heart break for the first time in my life.
- Fell on my face before God.
- Found a new peace in my life.
- Learned that I am beautiful.
- Started seminary.
- Went back to IHOP.
- Left IHOP.
-Started an Internship
- Love being in ministry.
- Stared another job at Lakeshore.
- Loved the new job at Lakeshore.
- My brother got married.
- My sister talked about getting married.
- friends got married and moved away.
- Went to Seattle.
- Remembered why God has placed amazing friends in our lives.
- Grandma went back to the hospital.

In all alot has happened this year. It is amazing to me how much can happen in one years time. Looking back on the past year it is amazing to see what God has done in my life and in the lives of others. Yeah, some of the things haven't felt all that great and life hasn't been sunshine and roses, but God has worked in those times and shown me so much this year. It is amazing to realize what God has done. I can honestly say that God has grown me in amazing ways over the past year. I am now more confident in myself and in God, knowing that He ultimately has a plan and even if my plan makes sense, it may not be His will. I have to deal with that. I have learned to be at peace with where God has me here and now and to allow Him to do the rest. It has been an amazing year and I can't wait to see what happens over the next one.

sleep

I have been having issues getting to sleep. I don't know why or how I got into this sleep pattern, but it needs to stop because I need to get onto a regular schedule again. I need to be able to function on all cylinders. It needs to stop. help.

Washington

Over the past week I have been in Washington and have really realized how much I really love it here. I know that I have said over and over that I would love to live here and am now realizing more and more that this is the type of place for me. Not to say that I am leaving now, but I would love to live up here. I love the trees and the atmosphere and I have to admit that I have really missed Nell and Dave.

Now, I do enjoy CA, but I don't think that my heart is here. I did find out that I can ride my cruiser along the river trails here and there is so much to do outside. I can hike and bike and just enjoy God's creation in its true form. Not the concrete jungle of Orange County. I don't know maybe the change would be good for me something new. Something that isn't the same for my whole life. I don't know, just a thought, just a comment, maybe something I would act on.

Honestly the only thing that would hold me back are my amazing friends in OC. It would give them a place to go visit though. It would be exciting and a change. Oh and the guys out here are kinda cute, and not all the girls look like little size 0 rich girls. I feel free to be me here and not try to fit into stereotypes. OK, I need to stop talking about it and go.

I'll be home on Monday.

Youth Specalties

The convention has been amazing. I am really realizing that Youth Ministry is definitely where I need to be. I feel so at place there. Even going to this by myself hasn't bothered me. I feel at home learning about kids and how to deal with them. I feel at home with the people and I feel so excited.

I have learned so much about ministry and how to improve the ministry God has placed me in. The speakers have been amazing!!! I have learned the right way to discipline the kids, how to work with apathetic kids, how to engage my jr highers and so much more. It is so exciting!!! I can't wait to get back and try out some of this stuff. I have truly come to the full realization that this is where God has placed me and I am so excited about that.

Just a side note. I am super excited to leave for Seattle tomorrow. I can't wait to see Nell, Dave and the kids. It is going to be an awesome time. It is really exciting. And I am supposed to meet this guy Michael when I get back. I don't know about this yet. But I guess I can at least meet him and see what happens. I thought that I was good to meet other people, but now I am kinda content with being me, God and youth right now. I don't know.

Anyway the convention has been amazing. There is one more day and it is going to be awesome.

Harvest Festival

Alright, So the harvest festival on Halloween was alot more fun than I thought it was going to be. I really didn't want to go and be with the kids, when I had other things to do. It was good though. I was excited!!! Gab and I were waldo and the kids had to find us and when they did we gave them candy. We kinda forgot, though that kinds nowadays have no clue who waldo is, so we just started giving them candy. It was ok, though they still enjoyed it.

the only bad part was creepy dad. He really freaked me out. He got me cornered in the candy room and started telling me how thin I have gotten and how much more beautiful I am now than before and how couldn't believe that was possible. Ok kinda freaky. He needs to go away now. I know that he is lonely and stuff, but he isn't attractive, wears short shorts and has a son in 7th Grade. He is taller than me for crying outloud.

In all it was a good night. Gab and I had fun. Chad and Greyson played well and Tim looked awesome with his black eyeliner...Good look I think.

The Wedding

So the wedding last weekend was awesome. Sorry that it has been a week and haven't said a word. This week has been a little crazy.

The wedding was awesome. It was so great to see my brother and spend time with him. I met some of his friends and they were awesome. I do have to say that I have never seen a family drink and smoke as much as his family, but overall they were awesome. It was amusing being the only sober person in the house, but it was great. Jeremy's wife, my new sister in law, was very sweet and beautiful and my new nieces are so cute. I can't believe that I am an aunt.

The wedding was small, but beautiful. It was a fast, but fun trip. Now I'm ready to start having a relationship with Jeremy again. I am excited to have my brother back.

A Little Frustrated

Ok, so I am just going to share that I am a little frustrated right now with school. I feel like I am getting dumber and dumber by the day. I studied so hard for my New Testament midterm and I know that I totally bombed on it. I couldn't remember all the information. I mean when a professor tells you to study everything that you have talked about the whole semester it is a little frustrating. I need a little guidance. Then I get to class today and my partner let me know that I said Tanzania was in West Africa and not East Africa. What was I thinking? Am I crazy? I know where Tanzania is. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am trying so hard and I feel like things just aren't working. I know it will work out, but I have put so much effort into school lately and I feel like things don't reflect this effort. I have put in the effort!!!!

Here We Go

So, tomorrow is the big day. My brother is getting married. I am so excited for him and hope that this is going to be amazing for him. This is his second marriage and he now is going to have 3 kids. Wow!!!! I'm going to be an aunt as of tomorrow at 4:30pm. That is crazy. So I get on the plane tomorrow at 6:30 am and will see my bro at 8am. I haven't seen him in 2 years. I am so excited, but nervous because I haven't seen him or his soon to be wife. His friends don't even know that I exist and the rest of my side of the family isn't going. It is just me. I am excited, though it is going to be fun!!!! I'll let you all know how it is. The turn around is one day, though. Back on Sunday for my New Testament midterm. Fun, Fun, Fun!!!

Revolve

This weekend I took three of my youth, one high school and two Jr High, to the Revolve Tour at the Honda Center (formerly the Arrowhead Pond). I honestly wasn't looking forward to two days worth of girls, girls, and more girls. I mean I am not exactly the most girly of girls and a weekend geared toward youth girls seemed to have cheese written all over it. I was pleasantly surprised by this experience. The speakers were amazing, the music was decent and the girls were a delight. The best part was the fact that the speakers were real. That is one thing that I look for is people being transparent with our kids and they were. That was awesome. I even learned a few things and came out of the weekend on fire to share with girls how to be girls of God in today's world. I wish that there was something like this when I was there age. I might have been able to learn some things before I made the mistakes I made.

One major realization coming out of the weekend is my secret desire to speak at a conference like this. I have this passion and desire to share with girls, to help them not make the same decisions that I did in the past and hopefully help them before the get to that point. I want to travel around the country and share reality, be real and most of all help girls to see that they are beautiful, and should be confident in themselves. I want girls to feel the love that Christ has to offer and to know that He will fill those holes if they allow Him to. I want so desperately to share this. I wonder if God will ever allow me the opportunity to fulfill this hidden dream. That would be amazing!!!!

Paper Writing

I have hit a wall. I have been writing a paper on Tanzania and missions in that country for the past 3 hours and am so tired of it that I can't focus on it any longer. I need to, though. 12 pages are due monday and I have to work tomorrow night. Not to mention the other work that is due tomorrow and monday. This needs to be done now. I am so tired of Tanzania I want to scream. It is interesting, I am just tired of working on it. I want to just sit and veg for a couple of hours. Just a couple of more weeks and that could be a reality. Wow!!!! I can't wait for that one. Ok...back to Tanzania...all I have to say is I should have given my partner the paper and I should have taken the powerpoint. Those are alot easier. Oh well, this is going to be good, I can feel it.

Realization

As I am sitting here in my bed checking email and reflecting on the day I have come to a realization that hurts to reveal, but alas is true and needs to be released. I have realized that a dream I have had of a reconciliation in my life may never happen. Learning that others have also changed their plans and the idea of being forced to see each other not happening because of this has allowed me to realize that God is completely at work. Holding onto the dream is no longer an option and only God knows if it will ever be fulfilled, but as of now I need to let go of it, mourn the loss of the dream I have wanted, oh so desperately, and allow God to work. It is hard and is still a process, but one that is going to have to happen because that hope of a maybe looks less and less like a reality and more and more of a let go. So here I am trying desperately to hold onto anything realizing to truly allow God to work I must let go. It is not giving up on a dream, but a letting go and allowing God to do His will and not my own.

The New Job

I am so excited that I do have a new job and it starts on Sunday. I am going to be working at Lakeshore learning. It is going to be awesome!!! The best part is that it is 5 min from my house. That rocks!!! I no longer have to drive and sit on the freeway for an hour and a half to get there. I get to work in an envorinment that is nice and plesant and not surrounded by intollerant people. I am so excited about God's provision and knowing what it is that I needed in my life.

The Week

This week has been an interisting one, to say the least. I think that I have gone through every emotion that I am capable of over the course of this week...and the crazy part is that the week isn't over. The week started with a realization that the job I have been doing can't be done any longer. I realized that I was hating my job. I mean literally hating. I would become angry while there and just dispised every minute of it. I have been praying for a while about this and finally came to the answer of putting out resumes. I did and the next day got a job offer and took it. I start this weekend and quit the resturant yesterday. I no longer have to serve an impatient teenager pancakes at 3am.

I feel complete relief over this, but now have been hit with the overwhelming stress of having to write a 12 page missions paper by monday. This would be fine, but I have to take youth girls to the revolve tour. It is going to be great and an amazing experience for them, but I could put the time forth to work on my paper.

Finally, I have gone through the emotions this week of loss. I have realized many things and still feel a loss even after so many months of being alone. I miss that one person that I want to talk to more than anyone else. I miss that person that sat on the couch and let me rest my head. I miss it all and have come to realize that it still hurts. I think that the worst part is that others can see him and I can't. They come and tell me and then I remember and have to deal. It is funny though because I feel this loss, but I know that it is God's will for now and until I can totally depend on God for everything I am not going to be given another chance. I need to wait for God's will to be done and let go of my own. I've been learning, but it isn't the easiest learn ever. I know that learning doesn't have to be easy and most of the time it isn't, but right now I wish it was.

New Job

Just to let everyone know I need a new job. I can't handle IHOP any longer. I am so tired of the late nights and the early mornings. I am so tired that my words have begun to slur when I speak because my brain isn't functioning. I am at the point where I am willing to quit and take my chances looking for a job...I know that I can't do that though. I can't wait until I find a new job...I have an interview at the Hallmark store on Wed. That would be cool if they pay enough.

Worship

Worship at our midweek Bible Study this week was awesome!!! We lost our worship leader a couple of weeks ago and have had Chad Collins filling in for us. Itwas amazing. The kids were engaged and worshiping. I didn't have to move and sit by anyone and they honeslty seemed to enjoy the expereince. It was just great to see after a few weeks of complete disregard for worship it was very refreshing to see them engaged. It is a little helpful that Chad has an amazing gift for leading worship. I am so great ful for his help and hope that he hangs around to help out a little longer, but whatever God has. It was god to see and gave me some hope in our ministry.

Halloween Haunt

I just want to let everyone know that I despise Halloween Haunt. I am tired of working until 4am because people want to go be scared out of their minds. I mean that is fine if they want to go, but why does my resturant have to stay open that late? I don't think that we should cater to these people, most of them are very disrespectful as it is and at 3am I really don't want to be nice to anyone. Ok that is my rant. I am now off to IHOP...I don't want to go...Please help me.

I do like my internship though.

Cute

Tonight I was sitting at Starbucks reading my Creative Bible Teaching book and a couple sat down at the table next to me. I didn't mean to, but I kinda overheard their conversation and soon realized that they were on their first date. It was so cute to hear them talk to each other, ask questions and learn about each other. It was funny, too, because you could tell that they were trying to impress each other. You could hear the excitement in their voices and also how nervous they were. It made me think, remember and smile.

I thought about the last time I did that...I sat at Starbucks, too. I remember thinking how cool the guy was and being so excited. I remember the butterflies in my stomach and the occasional silences. That was fun. I do miss it, I miss the butterflies and the soft looks. It was exciting, though to see two people enjoying each other over a simple cup of coffee.

Exciting

So this morning I met with one of my favorite people in the world...Mrs. Katie Edwards. She seriously rocks my face off. We talked and she always has something new for me to learn in the area of youth ministry. Her ideas are so amazing and just blow me away. I am so excited that God has placed her into my life as a friend and mentor. It is so awesome for me to see that women can do youth ministry even though it is such a male dominated field. Even more exciting is that she is willing to help give me insight on anything from my own personal life to youth ministry. She is so down to earth and I hope and pray that as I grow and learn more about student ministries that I will be like her. I am so excited about where this is going and I just am so excited. Katie is totally hooking me up with all kinds of curriculm, books and games. I am so excited I can't stand it. It is so exciting!!!

Scared

I found out that my best friend in the whole world, Janelle, has a growth and they had to remove it. It could be cancer and I am really scared. She has two beautiful children and a loving husband. I am so afraid of what could happen. She is the best friends that anyone could have and I honsetly don't know what I would do without her. We have been through everything with eachother. She is having surgery on Oct 11th and I pray that God will guide her through this. The good news is that I get to go to Seattle and see her and I get to see the kids that I still havn't seen yet. I am so excited!!!!! I just pray that we make it to that point.

Let them exceed the expectations

Have you ever felt so strong about something that it hurts when it doesn't happen? That is what I realized, today, is happening in the ministry that I work in. I love youth ministry, I love the kids, I love the everyday work, but I am so frustrated right now with the direction the ministry is going. It seems like we are stale and stagnent and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. I have this vision, this amazing vision where our students are engaged, excited and truly experiencing the amazing love and beauty of God. I know it can happen and the resources that we have are so amazing compared to so many other ministries, but it is all being hindered by difference in visions. What do you do when the people above you don't have the same vision? How do you handle that? Where do you take it? These are all the questions that are going through my head. Something needs to happen before this ministry begins to die. I'm not one to talk about numbers, but I am one that want to have these students fed and right now it isn't happening.

The worst part is that I can see where this ministy can go. People just need to make decisions and allow this ministry to go to the limits...let it meet and exceed peoples expectations.