Seriously Frustrated

I have to share that I am really frustrated with airline companies right now. Apparently they no longer work with people on their airline flights when there is a medical emergency. See, my dad is going to be having an angioplasty and a stint put in on Friday morning. This was not known when I booked my flight to California 2 months ago. I have been trying to work with and talk to the airline company and they are going to charge me $227 to stay until Sunday to be with my dad. I could buy another plane ticket for less...this is completely ridiculous. I don't understand. Anyway it is needless to say that I am really annoyed right now, as well as frustrated, angry and stressed. Now my dad has to do this on his own.

Christmas in the OC

Bethany and I went to the beach on Christmas Eve...it was fantastic. The sun was shining and people were smiling. I have to say that the beach still is my favorite place. It was really an awesome day to spend with my cousin who I haven't seen in a long time. We hung out, ate some Chipotle and went to the Christmas Eve service at Shoreline. After that it was off to Animal Beach in Dana Point. I have to say it is still one of the most amazing beaches I have ever seen. The way the moon hits the waves as they crash creates these dark blue wave. It is truly amazing. I have come to wonder what animal beach looks like during the day though. (I always go late at night). Anyway...here are some pictures of out day at the beach.

Crazy times in California

Well, I flew into California on Wednesday night and I don't think that I have stopped since I have been here.
Here is a rundown of what has happened.
Wed
-flew in on Wed night to Ontario airport.
-went to in and out
-got to the OC at about 11pm and went to bed.
Thurs
- Picked up my dad at 8am to head to the Long Beach VA hospital for a angiogram
-Dropped my dad off and headed to Fountain Valley for lung with my Aunt and Uncle
- Took my little buddy to Starbucks and visited my 3 friends that work there in the process
- Dropped my little buddy off
- Picked up my dad at the hospital and took him home
- got Matt some Starbucks
- Came home, got stuff together and drove out to San Bernadino to see my sister
- Talked with my sister for a while and fell asleep at about midnight
Fri
- made Fudge until 3pm with my sister
- drove back to the OC
- Went to the Young Adults Christmas party at Shoreline
- Go to go on a harbor cruise and look at the Christmas lights (the highlight of my night)
- Stopped by the youth all nighter to say hi and ended up being there until 2am.
Sat
-Up at 9am and talk to grandma for about half an hour
- has lunch with Jessica
-Went to Coffee Bean and read some of my book
- Went to downtown HB with Lizzy
- Went to Katelynns and watched "It's a Wonderful Life" (my favorite movie of all time)

So that is what I have done since I have been back in California. Tomorrow I am going to be going to Church and lunch with like half the church...I still have a week and a half of people to see and things to do.

Taking White Space to a New Place

Today I decided to have a little white space time. If you don't know what "white space" is it is that time in your life that you spend with God in between the lines of daily life, letting God into those places, the margins, between the words. This morning I woke up and instead of doing my Lectio Divina decided that I would read some of the book "Story" that I was only about 30 pages into.

Well, "Story" engulfed me. I read and read and read some more until the book was completely done, when it was over I was trembling, literally. The experience, the thought, the emotion that began to come up from inside me was amazing. I read a story that I thought I knew, creation, Israelites, God, Christ, birth, death, Resurrection, life. I knew all of this, but somehow I came to revisit all of this in a new way, an exciting, hopeful and amazing way. All this to say that the Story is something that we should all revisit. We all need to remember how everything fits together. Not three points to this truth and twelve ways to live a better life or have a better family, but the true reason for at least why I am here. Hope, love, life, death, excitement, amazement, sacrifice and choice. That is it that is the reason. Or as people would say right now "the reason for the season."

I encourage everyone to take your white space to a new level and revisit the amazing story of God and remember that you are a part of that story.

Peace

Over the past few weeks I have been having a hard time dealing with life. Worries, stresses, the unknown; all of these have been invading my thought, my actions and my life. It has been hard. This morning I took some time to sit, and be with God. I have been practicing Lectio Divina for the past couple of weeks and the passage I have been reading is from Psalm 130. I would like to share it because today it hit me hard, it over whelmed me, and penetrated deep down to the core of who I am.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!
If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness,
that you may be feared.
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.
And he will redeem Israel from all his iniquities.

Today I wait in anticipation of the Lord, watching, searching, hoping. I have hope in Him, His plans and His future. Today I feel peace, peace that I haven't felt in a while, peace that is overwhelming and exciting. Today I know it is all going to be okay.

Your Thoughts

I am in the process of writing a paper about the Church. It is not intended to be something that slams the Church, but an honest look at what needs to change if we are really going to reach people in this generation. Here are a few things that I am thinking:

- The Church has become more about the building than the people.
- We have made it so that people have to be like us before they can come
instead of accepting them as who they are.
- We have forgotten the story, Christ's story and our story. In this
we have made the Bible a text that has to be memorized and known, but the
experience is gone, the emotion, the journey have been left out.
- We have made God an out there God a great God that can't be reached
instead of a personal God.
- The hope, mystery, and life have been drained out of Christ.
- We have forgotten that Christ's story was dirty. He came into a
dirty story, loved dirty people and saved the dirty. We have forgotten
that we are dirty.
- Community has gone away. People in the church are no longer open,
honest and authentic. Instead we hide behind our Bible Answers and fake
smiles and fake community.
- I think that hope, story, authenticity, vulnerability, love and service
need to be brought back into the Church.
- We need to remember that Christ loved everyone and that is something that
we forget.

Ok, so these are my thoughts, I am still figuring out where I am taking this fully, but I would like to hear your thoughts and opinions. I am not saying that anything I am saying is right or wrong, just where my thoughts are leading. What do you think? What is good about the Church today and what needs to be changed?

Stress

There are some parts of life that I just don't understand. Honestly, there is alot about life that I just don't understand. Right now, though, I just don't understand why everything has to hit at the same time. Why can't trials in life come a little at a time with a nice flow so that you are ready to take things as they come? Why is it that when trials come if feels as if a damn is breaking and everything is hitting from all sides?

I have to be honest right now and admit that I am having a a hard time. I love being here in Washington and I adore the kids that I work with, but I am having a hard time with support raising. I feel stuck. I don't know who else to talk to, I don't know where else to go and I am worried about my finances. It is hard to keep going sometimes when I know that bills have to be paid and I don't always know how it is going to happen. It is hard to decide what to get and what not to get, it is hard wondering if I am going to have enough for next month.

I am also really stressed with school, it is the last week of the semester and I have a paper to write and 2 finals to study for next week. This paper really means alot to me because it is a look at the Church and what needs to change if we are going to reach people in the here and now. This paper is something that I am passionate about, but makes me afraid that I am not going to be able to articulate what I am trying to say. I know that sounds silly, but it creates stress in me.

I am also having a hard time adjusting to not having people to do things with all the time. I always wanted to slow down in life, but now I feel almost lost. I don't have anyone to go see or hang out with. It is an odd feeling, one that I really don't know how to deal with. I have also been thinking alot about people in my past and contemplating talking to them again and this has been messing with my head.

To add more to this, since I have been in Arlington my whole world has been turned upside down in terms of what I think about ministry, how it works, how the church works and sorting through all of this has been a draining process. I feel as if I am at a crossroads and truly have to decide which way is the right way to go and this is hard to figure out.

I'm sorry top just unload so many things right here, but I really want to be honest about who I am and what it going on. I am stressed and don't exactly know what to do with it. It is an interesting time and a learning time, but a hard one at that. I don't know how I should feel or what I should think. I want all the answers and I want everything to make sense. I want to see the big picture and know why I am feeling what I am feeling; why I am going through what I am going through, but I know ultimately that this can't happen. I know ultimately there is a purpose somewhere and it all will come together. I just wish that it could be one at a time instead of everything crashing down at the same time.

Community

I have been thinking a lot lately about community? What does true authentic community look like? What is needed to have an authentic community? Vulnerability, trust, love, faith, hope? I truly believe that deep at the core of every person there is a burning desire for community, acceptance and love. If this is true how do we accomplish this? Is it part of the Church or not? What does it look like? Is there structure? Is it completely organic?

I know that this is a bunch of questions, but I would like to know your thoughts, feelings and ideas. What do you think true community is?

Worship

I have been spending a lot of time this past week thinking about worship. Now when I talk about worship I am talking about the actually worship service at a church, where we stand and sing and pray and listen. I know that worship takes on different forms and we all worship in different ways, but lets focus on the worship service for a while.

Here is the deal, I have been having a hard time with the worship at my church for the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it is the Southern Baptist in me that wants things to have an order or if the uneasiness that I have been feeling is something more. I am wondering when worship stops being worship and becomes a performance and a soapbox? Am I, as an imperfect human even able to make a judgement on that? That is where my problem lies. I feel as if the worship leader goes on and on in more of a show than that of surrender. Inserting sermonete after sermonete between songs and sharing opinions instead of letting it be a time of reflection. It could be me. It could be my problem, it isn't the way I am used to participating in worship and I do understand that, but if it is distracting me is it distracting others as well?

So here is my question...what does worship look like? can we say? Can we limit a leader? I don't know...what do you think?

Thanksgiving

As everyone knows yesterday was Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in my 26 years of life that I have been away from family. Honestly, it was strange to not be at my aunt's house listening to my dad, uncle and grandma talk about politics, hearing my other uncle make snide remarks about family, still sitting at the kids table and running away to the movie theater with my cousin. I really missed it. They may seem strange, but I love my family and all the quirks that come with them. Needless to say I woke up yesterday and was sad. I was soon reminded though what we were really celebrating yesterday. Thankfulness.

I am thankful that I get to be here in Washington, one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to step out of the box and live a life that is completely different than the plans I had for my own life. I am thankful for the amazing people that are in my life. The amazing friends that I have met here in Washington, who have accepted me and loved me as their own without any qualms. I am thankful for my friends back home who are still some of the dearest people in my life. I am thankful for the amazing family that God has blessed me with, who love me and support me even when they don't understand why I do the things I do.

As I ate Thanksgiving dinner last night with Janelle, Dave, Anna and Ethan I realized how thankful I am. How thankful I am for friends like Nell and Dave who are more than friends, they are family. It was an awesome Thanksgiving with people I really love and I am grateful for family, friends, life, beauty, art and everything else that comes along with it. I am thankful for the here and now, the ability to love, hope, grow and be. Even though I may complain or cry, I may wish or dream, I am thankful for all that God does. I am thankful.

Stinkin Cold

I awoke this morning freezing cold. It was 55 degrees in my wonderful trailer and I was fearful to get up and leave the safety of my warm blankets. After I finally got the heater to start working I opened the door to find a frozen landscape in front of me. The entire place was covered with frozen dew. The grass was frozen, the car was frozen and by the time I was done walking my dog, I was frozen. The best part was when I returned from walking my dog I went to take a shower and the waterline to the trailer had frozen. I had no water!!! Finally the family whose house I live at came home and I was able to use their shower, but let's just say I was a little late to work. All this to say, I am adjusting to the cold, but this is really cold. I mean 45 during the day, 45 is a cold night in So Cal. There is the story and here are some pictures of the coldness this morning.

Random Randomness

I have had some random thoughts going through my head the past couple days and just decided to write them down. It ended up sounding pretty good (at least I think so) and I thought that I would share. This was the result of a random brain storm. Please respond on any or all of my questions...I am curious about others also, am I crazy with these thoughts? I don't know, but here goes...

Do you ever wonder how life changes so quickly or where you
would be if you had made different decisions, stood up for things or said
something that you really wanted to say, but were too scared?

Do you ever wonder how you got to the place you are
physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you were to talk to
someone that you miss terribly or if you were to really express who you
are?

Do you ever wonder why people and things come back into your
life at the strangest times and thoughts won't leave your head?

Do you ever wonder why emotions seem to be stronger than
rational and why your heart seems to always get in the way of your head?

Do you ever wonder why or how or what if?

Do you ever wonder...I do.

Church

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about Churches, The Church, community and everything that goes along with these words. I have come to realize that I don't know how I feel about church anymore. This is not to say that I don't believe in the greater concept of The Church, but I have realized that I am very frustrated with churches. I think that many of them have lost their focus. They have forgotten about the greater concept of kingdom work and have become consumed by legalism, rules, definitions, buildings, events and money. No longer is the church about love, hope, discipleship and community. It breaks my heart that the church is not open to the broken and hurting people unless the people are willing to conform to their rules, standards and regulations. I mean honestly we have been called to Love, to Love everyone. Christ loved and went to the broken and dirty people. The people that didn't look like everyone else, talk like everyone else and live like everyone else. My heart is broken by this, it makes me sad that we are turning people away because they are different. When did we stop reaching out? When did saving face become the way of the Church?

I believe in the church and I love my church here and back home, but recently I have seen a trend that scares me. Not to say that it hasn't been happening for years, but my eyes have been opened to it and in a time when we claim to be so progressive, multicultural and aware how is it that we are so willing to close our doors and keep things safe, make ourselves look good and forget what we are really hear to do? We are here to offer hope and love to people who don't have it. Things need to change.

Always Ontime

I continue to find it amazing how God knows what we need when we need it. When I got to work this morning I had an email from one of the most amazing women I have ever known. Her email came right when I needed it. I have been discouraged and down the past few days and her email really offered the encouragement needed. This is what it said:

I pray, Jessica, that you will be encouraged, uplifted,
and carried through
this time. I pray your perseverence will lead to
fruit that cannot come
except by this way. I pray that God is getting
glorified in this
weakness. I pray that you know how much we love you
and believe in this
situation. HANG in there. Look up these
verses, but first here is
what my Bible study said today: "If I can
encourage you through my own
real-life pain, I'm telling you straight up-
stay. When you're too weary
and disillusioned to do anything else,
keep staying. God is working out
your faith. He's moving in ways
you can't even dream of. He's got a
comeback plan (though he's never
really behind) So do whatever it takes.
If you can't take the guy next
to you, wear earplugs. Endure the
staleness, Follow . Just don't
leave. Hang in there, you.
Upsets are especially
thrilling. Don't leave before the "upset" in the
game takes
place."

Verses:These are the blessings that accompany
faith,
patience, and perseveance:
Ps. 130:57
Gal. 6:9
Heb.
6:12 Heb. 10:35-36 Jas. 1:3-4 Jas. 5:7-11
Heb.
11:8

I love you. Journal these passages. Your life
is
writing a story right now. Write it down! You will make
it!

I pray that if you are discouraged that these words of encouragement may also help you.

Loneliness

Lonliness, it is an emotion or feeling that continues to amaze me. Not to think that I think it is something that is good, but it continues to hit me and work me at the most inopportune times, the times that really just don't make sense. I find it funny how at a time when I have more people surrounding me with prayer and time, that I feel more lonely. Maybe it is me just missing friends, maybe it is missing those significant relationships and the fact that I am having to build new relationships. Maybe there is something I have to learn. I really don't know. All that I do know is that loneliness keeps attacking and from every direction. I try to anticipate where it is going to come from next and somehow always seem to guess wrong. From the left or the right, from the past or the present I never know and never seem to be prepared. It is a vicious emotion that feels as it is eating you from the inside out and hurts in ways you could never imagine and the worst part is that it is really all in our minds. There is an answer and it is letting go and letting God have control of it, letting him fill the voids, yet it is so hard. Why is it so hard to let go of something that hurts so much? I don't know if we will ever be able to answer that.

Anyone?

I am really wondering if anyone really reads my blog or if I am just writing to myself. That is totally cool, too. I do enjoy writing.

So here is my thought...if you read this please leave a comment and let me know that you are here. That you are reading...that someone is out there.

Thanks

School

I have a little dilemma with school and I am not quite sure what to do. When I was in Southern California I was working on an MAEL (Masters of Educational Leadership) I was informed that if I wanted to go onto higher education (ie my PhD) then I should work on my MDiv (Masters of Divinity). So that was my new plan. THe MDiv requires 81 units while the MAEL is 49 units.

Well, the other day I was asked why I was working on my MDiv if I didn't plan on becoming a pastor. I informed my professor that I wanted to go onto get my PhD. I was then informed that if I wasn't planning on getting a DMin (Doctorate of Ministry) or a PhD in Biblical studies that I didn't need it. So here is the dilemma...I can potentially finish my MAEL, but we don't offer it at my campus, so I would have to travel to Mill Valley in the summer and in January to finish those few classes. I could switch and get a MTS (Masters of Theological Studies) which is also 49 units, or my third option is to double major and get both. If I did both I could use both depending on which way I want to go for my PhD (secular or Christian).

Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated. Other peoples opinions are always helpful.

Lives Changing

I love to see lives changing and people growing. I just received an email from a dear friend of mine. She was just sharing about her life, what was going on and the experiences she has been having. The amazing things about this friend is that at one time she was in my youth group. She was a freshman who was unsure of herself or anyone else for that matter. It has been an amazing journey over the years with her to see her grow and mature into honestly one of the most beautiful young women I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. I love watching her, spending time with here, talking to here and learning from her.

She was telling me today of the learning she has gone through in the last week and the transition from one significant place in her life to a new and exciting place. I can't wait to see what is going to come of this new stage, how she is going to be grown and stretched. I can't wait to see all that God is going to do with her and I am grateful that He has given me the opportunity to walk with her, to grow with her and to watch her.

She is truly beautiful and one of my favorite people ever and I consider myself blessed to be on this journey with her.

One of Those Days

So today is just one of those days where nothing seems to work out the way you would like it to. I mean seriously since I woke up this morning, I couldn't find the close I wanted to wear, I had to take care of the kids, parents didn't come home when they needed to, I was late to work, hit something in the yard when I was leaving this morning...it was crazy and really left me in a bad mood. I felt bitter, annoyed and really just not a happy person this morning. I began to think about what would make life better, moving into my place? Having more money? I have come to realize though, that life isn't going to be perfect, we are going to have those bad days and we are going to have good days. In all I have to let go and let God be in control. Alright, here I go...

The Office

The Office is my favorite show...seriously it is the funniest show ever. I am so excited that it is on tonight that I can't even stand it. I just wanted to share in my excitement.

Oh, just another awesome thing...Scrubs starts again next week. That show is hilarious. I am really sad thought that this is the last season.

Oh and one more thing, if anyone is looking for another hilarious show. Check out Chuck on Monday nights. It is really funny. He works at Buy More and for the Nerd Herd. It is so funny!!!

Officially Unofficial

Well it is official, unofficially. I am new "Youth Leader" at Crossroads Fellowship Church in Arlington, WA. I have been attending there for about a month and a half and have been helping with their newly formed youth ministry. The Pastor was running everything in the church (it is a small church plant) so offered my services. I was helping anyway, so it really wasn't a big deal to step into a leadership role. So I am in charge, but we are keeping it on the DL (down low) for a few months to see how things go and because I am still new to the church. So there it is I am officially Unofficial.

Stability

Yesterday afternoon I was having a conversation with one of my friends back home in California. We were talking about his wedding that is rapidly approaching (November 11th) and somehow got on the conversation of my singleness.(It always seems to come up when I am talking to him) I was informed that I am single because of the fact that guys my age and older are looking for stability and I don't have any to offer. I don't have a job that makes great money and I am not looking to get married and have kids tomorrow. I found this comment to be very interesting. Is there really something wrong, first of all, with me being 25 and single? And do I really have no stability to offer? Is that really what guys my age are looking for?

I was informed that that is really the only thing that is wrong with me, but I am left wondering if that is really something that is "wrong with me"? What about the fact that I am doing the work that fits me? That I am pursuing the passions that God has given me? That I am following the talents that God has given me? Do those count? I don't know... Any thoughts?

Coincidence?

Do you ever have thigs happen in life that make you wonder if they are really just a coincidence or if there could actually be some real meaning behind them? I have had that happen this week. Not going to go into detail, but it is interesting how things can come up that make us question the true intention behind them.

That is my random thought for the day...thank you.

Defeat?

For the past few days there has been this haunting feeling of defeat hovering around me. I feel as if I am stuck I an trying so hard to push my way through, but something is pushing back and not allowing me to cross the line. It is like when you are watching football practice and they run and hit the pad with all their might, but it really doesn't go anywhere. That is where I am. I have been hitting and running and hitting some more, but I am becoming tired. My body is becoming weak and my hits seem to be making less of an impact.

The interesting thing is that even though I feel tired, worn out and defeated I don't feel like I can stop. I feel as if I must keep going, I know that there is something better on the other side. I know that there is a reason and a purpose.

Encouragement

I received an email from a friend yesterday. She has always been an amazing encourager and mentor in my life. This is what it said:

"It is tough being a grown up, and I love how God applies just enough pressure to make us depend on Him and not cry out to anyone or anything less than Him. Remember how shepherds would break the legs of the lamb that were independent so they were completely disabled. Then He would carry them around his neck until they healed. While the shepherd was carrying the lamb, the lamb grew very accustomed to hearing the shepherd's voice and once through the healing time, the lamb had become so dependent on the shepherd that he never once again wanted his independence and followed closely the rest of his life because he knew and loved the voice of the shepherd.
Got dependence?
I love you and just keep hanging around your shepherd's heart and neck. He'll carry you through and in the meantime grow very
accustomed to His voice.

Love you."

It is truly amazing to me how God works through other people, their love and their words. He knew where I was, what was going on and what I needed. I am so grateful for the amazing people the God has placed in my life and the impact that they have even from so far away.

She is so right also, it is interesting how God knows when we need to be hanging around his neck, learning to be completely dependent on him and nobody else. He is teaching me and I am learning, learning His voice in a new, distinct and powerful way.

Procastination

So I have to admit that I am the worst procrastinator in the world. I have been dreading doing my Hebrew homework this week. It is now Sunday afternoon and I am still trying to find other things to do besides my homework. I know I am a super slacker, but I feel like this kid when I do it.

Beginnings of something good....

Some awesome things have been happening around Arlington and I am super excited. The one thing that I am really excited about the fact that I am really starting to grow some deep relationships with some of the girls here. They come into the office almost every day after school and are really excited to hang out, talk and to really be friends. This is super exciting because I am beginning to see God working here. I am seeing a sparkle in their eyes that they didn't have when I first met them. They are excited and I can't wait to learn and grow with them. God is really at work here and I can't wait until I am able to spend more time with them. I am also excited about some other girls that have recently come into my life and that are a little more reluctant, but definitely in need of someone to love them. It is going to be exciting to see what happens and how God works.

Friday Night

I have to say that my Friday night was absolutely amazing!!!! ok not really. It seems that I have gotten old. I am 25 years old and my Friday night highlight consisted of walking my dog around the neighborhood and then playing a board game. It was fun, but I think that I may need to make some more friends...I thought that I still had a few more years of fun and exciting Friday nights. Oh, well it was still a good time.

Bad Week

Ok, so this week had to be one of the worst weeks of my life. I know it isn't THE worst because I can name a few right now that have been worse, but this really tops the charts. Let's start at the beginning of the week:

Sunday- I took about 7 Jr high boys Geo Cashing. It was fun, but it was pouring rain most of the time, and Jr. High boys don't know how to walk and after 4 miles they were walking sooooooo slow. In the middle of our excursion I learned that there is a facility for level 5 sex offenders right across the street from the secluded foresty path we were walking down. Needless to say I was not excited about that. After that I ended up talking to the pastor and his wife for about three hours. This wasn't bad except for the fact that I didn't get home until 9:30pm, still had to finish homework and had to be up at 3:30am to leave for school on Monday.

Monday- 3:30am, still pouring rain. I left for my 3 hour drive to Vancouver, WA for school at about 4:45am. About an hour into my trip I see police lights flashing behind me. This sucks, it isn't like I haven't been pulled over twice since I left California. This time I was only going 65mph though. That is what really sucks. The police officer proceeds to get my info and tell me about the safety on the road and if everyone else breaks the law am I going to also. I began to start crying like a little baby. Like not kinda crying totally can't breathe like a little kid. He comes back and tells me that it was my lucky day because his computer system was down. God is Good!!! I was really excited about that!!! Anyway, I continued my drive and ended up 1/2 hour late to class. Hebrew class, I don't know what is going on as it is, do 1/2 and hour late really makes things worse. The rest of Monday was ok except for the seriously bad headache I had for the rest of the day.

Tuesday- Again pouring rain. I got to work late because someone decided to clean the bathroom before I got in the shower, so I had to wait. Then we had a Steering Committee meeting. Not bad, I got some free soup. Free food is always good. The rest of the day was a blur, Bible study and WalMart at midnight because I was leaving for a four day trip and ran out of hair gel. (side note: I really despise WalMart).

Wednesday- Good start to the day...the rain stopped!!! Did lots of laundry and packed to go to the Staff Retreat and then off to Idaho. The plan was to return on Saturday. We left and started the trip, the staff retreat was going well until I got the phone call. My dog had bit my best friends daughter. Great, fantastic, great timing. Well, she was ok and we decided that things would be ok until he went after her little boy. Now what? I seriously have the nicest dog ever. He freaked I guess with me being gone and didn't know what to do. Needless to say this lead to trying to figure out what to do and the conclusion that Idaho wasn't going to happen. I was seriously bummed about that.

Thursday- The end of the Staff Retreat was good, but oh, it started to rain again. We finished up, came home and I took care of my dog. He was freaked out. I felt really bad for him.

Friday- Well the decision for Eli (my dog) was to take him to my friends house during the day and then take him home with me at night. Kinda like a dog sitter. So we had doggie meet and greet time. Since he has two other dogs. That went well and then I went to work, which was fine. Then on the way home hit all the traffic anyone could hit. Needless to say it took me 2 and a half hours to get home. That was just fantastic.

That was my week. It was very emotionally draining. Needless to say I think that Eli and I are ready to have some space. I have been sooooo grateful for my best friend and her husband for all of their hospitality and for letting me stay with them, but I think that I am ready. I hope that this week is a little better. I am ready for it to be better.

Homework

I am done with homework. I am tired of looking at it, I am tried of doing it. I want to go ride my bike and be free, but there is still more homework to do. That Sucks!!!

Grrrrrr.....

So, for the past few days it seems like everyone (including me) is in a horrible mood, stressed beyond belief and about ready to kill everyone that they come in contact with. It is ridiculous how attacks come from every direction and when that happens we don't know how to respond. I think that everyone in my house needs three days alone...including the kids. We all need something to rejuvenate us and calm us down. We tried ice cream (usually works for calming nerves) it just made us think about how fat it is going to make us. Tried walking, just made us more tired; tried talking, we just get frustrated when others don't understand. It is a sad time and there is definitely something trying to bring us all down...let me tell you.

So all that I have to say now is Grrrrr....that is how I feel. Grrrr......

Hebrew

Tomorrow is my first Hebrew test. I just want to confess to everyone that I am terrified. This is not coming easily to me and I am not great at memorizing things. Needless to say, I have been studying and am going to continue studying, but I don't know how much good it is really going to do.

Thoughts on Volunteers

Over the past couple of weeks we have been talking about how to get our volunteers more involved in our ministry. We have been throwing ideas around and talking about how to make them feel more comfortable with each other and with the kids. How do we make our volunteers feel more wanted and needed? How do we get them to be more involved with the students than just being chaperons? Here are a few of our thought, or what we are thinking of doing.

Volunteer Meetings
We have decided to have monthly volunteer meetings. What do these meetings look like? Well, we are thinking of more of a community time, not a teaching time. I think so many times when we are thinking of volunteers we think that we need to train them in how to handle kids, what to say in situations and and how to be a part of their world. People know how to relate to other people. We don't need to train them all the time. I think that making the volunteers feel like a wanted group of people will hopefully make them feel more like coming around and spending time with the students. Creating a tight knit group of people that know each other and care about each other is the key.

I think that also in these meetings we need to make sure that our volunteers realize that they are capable. They are capable of relating to the students just as much as we, the staff, are. We need to make sure that they realize that as long as they are real with the students the students will be real with them.

These are just some random thoughts. What do you think? Any thoughts on volunteers?

Microtrends

I ran across a link this morning to an article dealing with the changing microtrends in America. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20630522/site/newsweek/
I found it very interesting, yet I am left wondering if it is completely accurate and if it is what is the impact on my life and the lives of the students in my ministry.

The article is actually an overview of a book entitled "microtrends" by Mark Penn. The trends that I found to me most interesting are trends such as mothers in their mid thirties being the largest group of video game addicts, the resurgence of knitting among teens and the fact that most people who are tattooing themselves these days are upper and middle class. Tattoos are no longer for the inmates and deadbeats. Because of these changing trends in America the face and shape of America is changing. Kids are over the video games and are trying to find new things to do, people in general are reinventing themselves. Americans today are no longer willing to be put into boxes, they are stepping out and trying new things. Why is this happening? What has caused this change in our culture, society and way of life?

I think that it really all boils down to a statement that Penn made regarding the rise in left handedness in America. He says that the rise in left handedness has occurred because of the fact that we are allowing student to be who they are. We are no longer forcing them to be right handed. We are no longer forcing them to always conform to the rules, we are allowing more freedom.

"The result, writes Penn, is a more permissive culture. “A society that tolerates people working with different hands is also likely to tolerate a lot of other freedoms.”

Looking at our culture over the past few years we have become more permissive and now "tolerate a lot of other freedoms", but at what cost? What has this tolerant culture done to us and our kids. What is the result of tolerance on Society at large?

I am not saying that we shouldn't be loving and accepting of others, but at what point do we stand up and say,"that is enough". I think that the line has become blurred. The line of acceptance and non acceptance is no longer visible and it is affecting not only us, but the youth and children of today. They are confused and are looking for definition in their lives. The growing acceptance of the past few decades has caused our youth to actually go the other way. We have seen a resurgence of the past with people in the mid to early twenties. They have been going back to traditional mindsets of family and society. Not to say that this is the right way to go, but a balance needs to be found. We need to decide where the line is, our kids need definition and we need to help.

Down for the Count

Waking up this morning I thought that I was down for the count. I woke up stressed, stressed about ministry, family, life, work and finances. I felt lost, confused and completely done. I was ready to throw in the towel, call it a day and get in the car and go home. All the way back to California where things seemed alot easier. Then I had a a talk with a friend. He made me think. When are things ever easy if they are what we are really suposed to do? He made me realize that God wouldn't bring me here and then leave me, that he wouldn't just throw me out here and then say, have a nice day. There is a reason and He will provide. Sometimes we have to withstand the forces of things we don't understand that are trying to steer us in a direction other than where we should be going. There are many things that don't want me here, don't want Youth Dynamics to work here in Arlington, that don't want students reached for God and they will do whatever it takes to stop us. Today I am standing up against it knowing that I have been called here and that God is leading. I am no longer in control I am letting Go and holding on for the ride.

Sign on my car?

So, this is super frustrating, In the past 3 weeks, I have received 2 speeding tickets. The first one was in Cali on my way here to Washington. I was coming out of the Grapevine, going downhill, trying to keep up with Katelynn and everyone was flying by me. Somehow I was the one who got the ticket. Super sucky way to begin my trip to Washington.

Then this morning on my way into work I was stopped again. Now I was going 75mph. I totally thought that it was a 70mph zone and thought that I was totally safe considering everyone around me was going the same speed. I was mistaken. I guess going to flow of traffic isn't what you do around these parts. I am still so used to going 75mph so that you don't die. The cop wasn't the most pleasant man in the world either and told me to pay better attention. This seriously sucks. I am actually going to contest this one and see what happens. I mean it isn't like I have a ton of extra money to throw around. I need to put gas in the stinking car.

It's Gonna Happen

Alright for those of you that have actually been reading these blogs I am going to update on my support status. As of now I am still at 50%. I know sounds a little slack considering the fact that I need to be at 80% by Tuesday to start working with the kids here when school starts on the 5th. That means that I need to raise another $900 per month.

I don't know I have been stressing about this and then just came to the realization that it is ok. It is going to happen. I mean I went from 14% to 50% in a week. God can do anything. I believe that he brought me here for this purpose and that He is going to make it happen. I have sent out more letters and I am talking to some more people. This can happen...I know it.

Please be praying that this will happen that the funding will come through and that I will be able to begin working with these kids. I can't wait to really begin doing ministry.

Two Weeks In

Alright, well I have now officially been here in Washington for two weeks. It kinda hit me yesterday how much my life has changed over the course of such a short period of time. Let me elaborate a little.
In Orange County I woke up at 5:30am almost every morning left the house by 6:30am and was at work by 7am. I worked all day at Lakeshore carrying things, moving things, dealing with people and working my butt off. After leaving at 4pm I would get in my car and drive the 25 miles to Fountain Valley where I would then lead Bible Study, have meetings, have girls nights. Whatever the event of the night was. After this I would be exhausted on the way home. I would be home generally sometime around 10pm and then work on my lesson for the next night, homework or just crash. (Just a side note... I am not complaining...I loved my life, friends, church and job, most of the time).

It is interesting how things have changed...
I now don't have to be up until around 8am and can go into the office sometime around 9am, but it is not a requirement. I go to work with two people instead of a bazillion and we have fun. On Wednesdays around noon I go hang out with kids. It is pretty cool. I am actually home for dinner at 6pm and somedays I just work from home. Things have calmed down alot.

Things have changed in other ways, too. I only know a couple of people here. I miss my close friends so much, I miss bike rides to the beach with Katelynn, I miss talking to Lizzy and I miss coming home to my Grandma's smile every day. I miss Pastor Guy and his great sermons and I miss my kids on Sunday mornings. I miss Brighton and his sprinkle donuts and my little buddy and his big hugs. I miss the family of my church, the 10 grandmas I had, 8 moms and more dads and big brothers than I can count.

I have to say that just because I miss things I am not doubting that fact that God has brought me here, that this is His will and that there is a purpose. This is a big change and with big changes come big adjustments. Let's just say that I am adjusting.

I'm here

Well, we made it to Washington. I officially live in Washington State now. That seems so weird to me. No more So Cal. It is going to be interesting, but exciting. I will keep you posted, but wanted to let you know that we made it.

31%

As of today I am 31% funded. It is going to happen. I have to believe that and have the faith that God is in control. It is interesting to me how many people know that it is down to the wire and are still not sure. I don't know I can't expect people to rush to give money, but I have to admit that today I was stressed beyond belief. I didn't even know where to start in terms of calling and packing and all the other things that need to happen. Right now I just need to let go and let God have control. Oh, and I can't find my work key either. I am afraid of what my manager is going to do when she finds that out. Good times.

One Week

I now have one week. One week before I move to Washington. I am excited, yet am afraid that it might not happen. At this point I am 20% funded and I need to be at 80% to go to Washington. I know that there are at least 10 people who are going to commit to helping me, but what the amount is? I have no idea and that is the problem. It could either get me to 80% or not. The question is could I still go and find a part time job until all the funding comes through? I have to be either in Washington or in California on August 20th to start school. I mean I have been given a scholarship. I have to be somewhere. It makes the most sense to me to go and start school so that I can be in Washington and not have to wait for the semester to end. I don't know. Right now I have to believe that God can do anything. I know that He has called me to go there, I know that God can do more than I can ever imagine.

Getting Close

Well, it is almost time. Time for me to move from Orange County, CA to Arlington, WA. Four weeks and I drive away to a new place, new experiences, and new people. I have to admit that I am scared to death, yet I am strangely excited. There is so much though, so much that I realize has to happen in the next four weeks I am afraid that it isn't going to happen. I am afraid that my funding isn't going to come through. I mean I know that God can do anything. I know it is going to happen. I have to believe that it is going to happen, but there is still that thought of "what if" in the back of my head. I have come to realize how many people I am going to miss and yet I still know that it is the right thing to do. I mean sometimes the right thing and the hardest are the same.

Off to Camp

Well, at 6:00 am I am off to camp. We are going to Jeness Park for the week. I am super excited. I love camp. I know it is for the kids, but I love it, too. I am a little worried about this camp because I have a couple of students going who are a little more high maintenance than the ones that have gone in the past. I really hope that it goes well and that I have the patience to love on them. I am still excited though and know that it is going to be a great week. It is my last summer camp with this group of kids though and I am sad. I am ready though to have a great time and relax a little.

Power

The power just went out. Good thing I have an alarm on my phone or else I could have missed church in the morning. It sucks though because everything that I need to print out for tomorrow I can't print. It is a little creepy, too having the power out. Hopefully it will be back on in the morning because I would really like to be able to have good hair for church. Sorry about the randomness of this.

Laser Tag

So, we took the youth to laser tag last night for our first Wed night of the summer. For the first time in the bazillion times we have gone I actually ranked. I took fourth place. It rocked!!! I destroyed and took them down. It was great, now for Boomers tomorrow night I think that I can take them in the Go Karts, too. I have to say that I love my job.

Body Builders Part II

Today was day two of my Body Builders fundraising training. After yesterday, I thought that fundraising was an impossible task, that what I felt called to do was just a dream and not a possibility. I left today encouraged, uplifted and ready. Today God worked and reaffirmed the vision, the passion and the purpose that was so strong in me a few months ago.

It is interesting to me how God works through people that we don't even know to influence us and to affirm us. Today at the training God worked through two people, it was truly amazing how two separate people committed to helping support this ministry. One monthly and one with a onetime gift. The money isn't the thing that hit me though, it was their affirmation of the passion I feel for youth. The idea that they believed in me and what God called me to do so much that they wanted to make it happen. The crazy thing is that I was just sharing about YD. I wasn't looking for anything. WOW!!!

I now believe that this can happen. I feel affirmed of the calling on my life and completely fired up about going to Washington. I am excited. I am excited to invite people to join my team and not because they are going to be giving money, but because they are going to be able to serve by supporting a ministry that is completely driven by God and His vision. I am also excited about creating relationships with the people that will be joining my team and ministering to them, personally.

Body Builders

I just got home from my first day of fudraising training and am left with more questions and more stress than I was in the first place. I am left wondering if it is really possible to be ready to leave by August? If it isn't should I take a semester off from school or should I go to school and then leave after the end of the semester? Should I quit my job and take the leap of faith completely devote the next couple months to support raising? There is so much to think about, so many questions. Anyone have any thoughts or ideas?

Out of our Control

It's a funny thing to me how things that are so out of our own control are able to frustrate us so easily. I don't really understand why things that shouldn't elicit any emotion at all can conjure up emotions from so deep within. I don't quite understand, but I do know that emotions have a purpose. I just need to learn how to take the emotions of the moment and give them up and allow God to help me work through them instead of trying to do it all on my own. I don't know, I mean I know I am an emotional person and sometimes they do get in the way. (Not as much now as in the past) I also know that there is a reason that I am the way I am. I just wish that it made sense sometimes.

Pirates

I just got home from seeing Pirates and it was amazing. I loved it and am ready to see it again. It was so good and exciting I wanted it to go on a lot longer. That is it, just wanted to say how amazing it was oh and Johnny was still hot.

It's Done!!!!

I'm done for the semester!!! I am so excited!!! This has been a long semester and the hardest semester of my life. All that I have to say is that I am excited. First thing to do with school out? I am going to the beach tomorrow. A little white space and my favorite place. Sounds amazing.

AHHHHH

AHHHHHH....that is all that I can say right now. I can't read any more about Paul in Acts....I have to read though. My head ins going to explode!!! AHHHH...Too much to do, to many other things on my mind I can't concentrate. Everything else in life keeps running through my head and the focus has been lost. I guess I should go to bed and try again tomorrow. Only 4 more days. It can happen...this can be done. Just a little focus is all that is needed. HELP!!!

Blah

Ok, so have you ever worked really hard on something, finished and been completely done? So tired from all the effort put into your last project that doing another seems to be impossible? I am there right now. I am so done and tired from working on everything from my leadership class that my New Testament paper really is the last thing in the world that I want to do right now. I am so over it, yet I know that it needs to be good and I need to get this done. Let's just hope that I can focus on this and look forward to being totally done and not just partially.

one down one to go

Finally, I have finished my Ministry Leadership class. It was an awesome class and I learned alot, but I am glad that it is over. I honestly didn't think that I was going to be able to get all the work done and I actually got all the work done, actually got everything in on time. The best part is that I got an A in the class. It was an awesome class, I learned more about ministry than I have in any of my other classes. So much that can be applied and so much that has already affected me. It was awesome. Now I just have to get this paper done for New Testament. I'm not really looking forward to this one. Here we go....almost there.

Good Day

Today was a good day. I didn't have to work, which was a blessing. I think if I did have to I would have had a nervous breakdown. That is besides the point though. I feel as if it was a productive day though. I got all the reading that needs to be done for my class on Monday done, I interviewed Pastor Guy for my leadership class (I need to start transcribing the interview), I got my sample art projects done for Art Masters (they look really good. I think that I might hang them up in my new apartment) and I feel like I got a little rest. Now, I just hope that I can stay productive and get everything done that needs to be done. With only 2 1/2 weeks left of class and lots of work left to do productive is the key. I pray that I will be able to use the time that I have wisely.

Mexico

Over Spring Break a few of us from the church went down to Mexico for a 3 day mission trip. The trip was amazing. There were 29 of us including children, teens and adults and it was awesome to work along side people so many different people all in order to serve in the kingdom. We helped to build a storage facility, cut down some trees, cleaned up some weeds and spent some time at an orphanage loving on some of the most beautiful children you have ever seen. It was a great time and I can't wait to go out there again and hopefully to bring some of the kids with me. I know that there isn't much more time for me to take them, but if the opportunity arises I am ready. It was really great!!!

Too much to do and not enough time

I know that everyone has these times, but they are really frustrating. There is just so much that I have to get done that I don't even know what to start with. I need to:
- Get ready for a mission trip that I leave for on Thurs
-Write a paper
-Get caught up on all my reading for school (about 3 books)
- Be at work at 6am all week to change inline sets
- tutor students
- Get lesson ready for Tues night
- Begin my paper on Paul
- Get to school to do my aid work
I think that there is more, but I can't remember right now. I am so tired right now that I just want to go to bed, but I have to have this dumb paper done tonight.
And I really, really want some ice cream.

Friends

I just one quick thing to say. I have some of the most amazing friends anyone could ever have. I have come to realize how precious they are to me. As I realize that I am going to be leaving them soon I have come to realize even more how much they mean to me.

Great Meeting

Today I had a meeting with a great friend of mine, Katie. It was a great time of coffee and talking. We haven't really seen each other in a long time and I was able to tell her today that I am moving to Washington. She was so exited. It was so great for her to be so excited because it was very confirming to me. She is one of my mentors in ministry (I want to be a minister like her) and her conformation was awesome. It was a great time.

Attitude

I don't know what my issue was today, but I had the worst attitude ever. I walked into work in a bad mood and then it seemed like everything just got on my nerves. I have no clue why. I think that maybe everything is hitting me all at once or something. I am overwhelmed by life right now. There is just way too much. I think that I need some rest or something. I don't know.

Kinda Bummed

So, I was hoping for something to happen today and it didn't happen. Could happen in the next few days, but who really knows. Kinda sucks...totally pumped myself up about it. Guess that I can't do anything else about it. Oh well.

What to do?

So here is my question. If you meet someone who is really cool and you know that there is kinda a connection and you know how to get a hold of them even though you didn't ask for a phone number do you contact them? Or do you just let it be one of those kinda fun experiences and then let it all go? Will it look like stalking or weirdness? Anyone have any suggestions?

Jesus with skin on

Sometimes, God does amazing things to answer our questions, calm out concerns and show us his way. A couple weeks ago this happened to me and it is still resounding in my head and heart. I have been having a hard time making a decision on whether to stay here in California or move to Washington and take this position. I have felt good about the position and the ministry, but have been terrified about moving, and leaving all that I have ever known. It has been a hard decision leaving my family, my church and friends. To leave that safety net and even letting go of hopes that resound with being here. The hardest part? Leaving that friend that has been there for me no matter what.

That is where the the title of this blog comes in. Sunday night, about two weeks ago we were at church and during worship she starts hugging me, to the point where I couldn't even breathe, then she told me "you have to go, Jessica you have to leave. You have waited long enough. You have to go." Tears began to well up in my eyes. Leaving her was one of my hardest decisions. That was the point that I knew. I had to accept the position. It was a clear as day that that was the plan that God had for me. It was truly an amazing experience.

Later she told me that she felt so much peace about me leaving and was so excited. She told me that she felt like God was telling her to tell me. The best part? Was that when I met with my mentor later that week, all that she could say about that experience was "Jess, that is Jesus with skin on. Go call them now and tell them your decision." Wow!!! Sometimes it is just amazing to see how God works in our lives. How he chooses to speak to us in our circumstances and the words that he gives you. "Peace, Peace I give to you. Not peace as the world give, but my peace. Do not let your heart be troubled and let not your heart be afraid."

Needless to say, I am leaving at the end of the summer. I am terrified and excited at the same time. It is going to be amazing to finally be able to do full time ministry. It is going to be scary to leave. It is going to be hard to let go of that hope in something that I have been holding onto, but it is going to be exciting and a new phase in this journey that I am on.

Decisions

It is now official. I have been invited to move to Washington and work with some awesome people in a great ministry called Youth Dynamics. This is a big deal. This would be a huge move, a change in everything that I ahve ever known. At the same time though, it could be an amazing experience. This is a time of prayer. Please be praying for me and this decision, this could change my life and the life of many others.

Annoyed

So I need to vent a little. I have been planing for months to go to Alpine with the Jr Highers from the school next weekend. I have been so excited for this opportunity. Last year was an amazing time and a great relationship building time. Well, I walk into the church today and find out that I am no longer going. After I had worked so hard to get the weekend off in the first place. Then, the meeting that I drove 1/2 an hour to the church to have was canceled and nobody called me. Let's just say that I was a little frustrated. My day didn't start all that well today. It ended OK though, so I guess that that is a good thing. OK...I guess that was enough venting for today.

Back

I came home today from 4 days in Washington. It was an amazing experience. I meet new people, learned new things and left with many things to process and work through. The whole purpose of this trip was to interview to work in a new ministry. Youth Dynamics. I love their purpose, I love the contact with the kids, I love everything about it. I am terrified though. I am terrified that I could be leaving everything that I know, everything that is comfortable to me. This could be a good thing. This could be an amazing experience, a scary experience, but an amazing one. God never said that his plans were going to be easy. I know now that I need prayer and alot of time with God. I pray that God will show me clearly His will.

A Ton of Bricks

I find it interesting how as human beings our emotions very so much and can change in such a short period of time. Why is it that we can go from amazing, wonderful, happy and cheerful to sad, solemn and missing people and things within the course of a few minutes? This is not to say that I have drastic mood swings, am bipolar of anything like that. I just find it funny that the smallest thing can trigger our emotions to that point of changing them.

This just happened to me. Maybe it is the possibility of drastic change in my life, maybe it is just being tired or maybe I am just not as over things in my life as I though. I honestly don't know. I do know that I had a great day. I am excited about this semester, changing my major to a MDiv, taking amazing classes and making great new friends. I read a good book, took some time for myself (white space) had a great dinner with the best friends God could give me and watched one of my all time favorite movies (Benny and June). What could be better?

Coming home, driving in the car alone, leaves time to think, to let my mind wonder. Wonder to the what ifs and I don't knows. Wonder through the whys and maybes of life. Thinking about the past and the future wondering and even hoping. Then the simple realization that the one person that I really want to talk to right now, really doesn't want to talk to me. That is fine. They have no reason to talk to me. But why is it that I still want to talk to them? I still miss them being around. I miss the long hugs and the simple phone calls. I thought that this was done. I thought that I was good. I was good. Why now? Why now when there are so many amazing things going on? Is it the possibility of huge change? The possibility of moving? I don't know. I don't understand. All that I know is that I can't hold on forever. I don't even know why I wonder back to the place, to that person. It was a happy time and good time, but not in God's plan now. That is what I need to remember. God's plan and purpose is bigger than me and my simple wants. His plan is a kingdom plan and I need to follow His will and not mind.

I just hope and pray that I am able to completely let this go and not try to think or do anything that is not in the plan God has. I think that maybe the fear and uncertainty of the future leads me back to the safety and security of the past. I don't know. I just think that it is funny.

Prayer

Wow!!! God works in amazing ways and sometimes we are broadsided by how God works. I have been this week. A new opportunity has become available to me, it could send me away to another state, to live on my own and experience new things. Now, at this place in my life I need prayer. Please pray that I will make right decisions. Please pray that God will show me clearly, without a doubt what he wants me to do. I need to decide to stay or go. I need to be shown what God's will is in this situation.

Next Steps

I am in a place of unknown right now. There is a new opportunity that I may have at the company that I am working at that could allow me to make more money, and maybe be able to save enough money to finally move out and be on my own. I am an adult and I would like to live as one.
I also, wonder though how long do I wait and stay in my internship before I begin to look for a full time position somewhere. There is so much, so many things in my head. This is going to take alot of prayer and waiting. I pray that I will have to patience to wait and trust. I pray that I won't try to take these things into my own hands, but that I will allow God to lead. I know that He is. There has been so much lately that has definitely shown me his sovereign control. I just hope that I don't lose sight of that.

Shower

There is something about the shower that makes it my favorite place. There is no stress, nobody to bother me and no distractions. I love to take long hot showers and just sit and pray to God. I love to just let go and I feel like I can there. I don't find my ADD kicking in and I am able to focus on God and only God. I don't know what it is, but I am able to just let go and completely let God have all of my attention. Some people have their pray closets or prayer rocks, whatever. I have my shower. It is my favorite place. A funny place, but my favorite place.

White Space

I learned about a year ago about white space. (That time in your day in between the things that fill up life that you take to spend time with God. Kinda like the space between the lines on a page in a book.) Well, white space in my day, week, month, anywhere is not exactly my strong point. I don't seem to take that time to spend in between with God. To sit, listen, be still and learn. I mean my quiet time does happen, generally, but to really take more time to reflect and focus just doesn't really happen. Well, today I realized that I had nothing to do. At all. No friends to see, no people to talk to, no work and no homework. I found myself in a state of panic. I never have days like this. I didn't know what to do. Should I call someone? Try to find something to keep my busy? Go on a bike ride? Lunch? Dinner? Anything as to not have to be alone all day.

Then it hit me...White Space. God needed me to have this time, white space...nothing there in between the craziness of work, church and life. I needed this time to learn, grow, reflect and rest. That is what I did. I finished a book today. (Well, I read 3/4 of it today.) It was awesome. This book helped me to change my focus on life, relationships and God. I have come to realize that God has me here where I am for a purpose and a reason. This is something that He has been working on for a while now. I have realized that I need to work for Him and the cause that He has given me passion in. I am ready to step out, take a leap of faith and trust and grow that faith. I have asked God to Rock me this year. To Rock my world, grow me and use me in amazing, new ways. I am excited.

White space is definitely awesome!!!