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I came home today from 4 days in Washington. It was an amazing experience. I meet new people, learned new things and left with many things to process and work through. The whole purpose of this trip was to interview to work in a new ministry. Youth Dynamics. I love their purpose, I love the contact with the kids, I love everything about it. I am terrified though. I am terrified that I could be leaving everything that I know, everything that is comfortable to me. This could be a good thing. This could be an amazing experience, a scary experience, but an amazing one. God never said that his plans were going to be easy. I know now that I need prayer and alot of time with God. I pray that God will show me clearly His will.

A Ton of Bricks

I find it interesting how as human beings our emotions very so much and can change in such a short period of time. Why is it that we can go from amazing, wonderful, happy and cheerful to sad, solemn and missing people and things within the course of a few minutes? This is not to say that I have drastic mood swings, am bipolar of anything like that. I just find it funny that the smallest thing can trigger our emotions to that point of changing them.

This just happened to me. Maybe it is the possibility of drastic change in my life, maybe it is just being tired or maybe I am just not as over things in my life as I though. I honestly don't know. I do know that I had a great day. I am excited about this semester, changing my major to a MDiv, taking amazing classes and making great new friends. I read a good book, took some time for myself (white space) had a great dinner with the best friends God could give me and watched one of my all time favorite movies (Benny and June). What could be better?

Coming home, driving in the car alone, leaves time to think, to let my mind wonder. Wonder to the what ifs and I don't knows. Wonder through the whys and maybes of life. Thinking about the past and the future wondering and even hoping. Then the simple realization that the one person that I really want to talk to right now, really doesn't want to talk to me. That is fine. They have no reason to talk to me. But why is it that I still want to talk to them? I still miss them being around. I miss the long hugs and the simple phone calls. I thought that this was done. I thought that I was good. I was good. Why now? Why now when there are so many amazing things going on? Is it the possibility of huge change? The possibility of moving? I don't know. I don't understand. All that I know is that I can't hold on forever. I don't even know why I wonder back to the place, to that person. It was a happy time and good time, but not in God's plan now. That is what I need to remember. God's plan and purpose is bigger than me and my simple wants. His plan is a kingdom plan and I need to follow His will and not mind.

I just hope and pray that I am able to completely let this go and not try to think or do anything that is not in the plan God has. I think that maybe the fear and uncertainty of the future leads me back to the safety and security of the past. I don't know. I just think that it is funny.

Prayer

Wow!!! God works in amazing ways and sometimes we are broadsided by how God works. I have been this week. A new opportunity has become available to me, it could send me away to another state, to live on my own and experience new things. Now, at this place in my life I need prayer. Please pray that I will make right decisions. Please pray that God will show me clearly, without a doubt what he wants me to do. I need to decide to stay or go. I need to be shown what God's will is in this situation.

Next Steps

I am in a place of unknown right now. There is a new opportunity that I may have at the company that I am working at that could allow me to make more money, and maybe be able to save enough money to finally move out and be on my own. I am an adult and I would like to live as one.
I also, wonder though how long do I wait and stay in my internship before I begin to look for a full time position somewhere. There is so much, so many things in my head. This is going to take alot of prayer and waiting. I pray that I will have to patience to wait and trust. I pray that I won't try to take these things into my own hands, but that I will allow God to lead. I know that He is. There has been so much lately that has definitely shown me his sovereign control. I just hope that I don't lose sight of that.

Shower

There is something about the shower that makes it my favorite place. There is no stress, nobody to bother me and no distractions. I love to take long hot showers and just sit and pray to God. I love to just let go and I feel like I can there. I don't find my ADD kicking in and I am able to focus on God and only God. I don't know what it is, but I am able to just let go and completely let God have all of my attention. Some people have their pray closets or prayer rocks, whatever. I have my shower. It is my favorite place. A funny place, but my favorite place.

White Space

I learned about a year ago about white space. (That time in your day in between the things that fill up life that you take to spend time with God. Kinda like the space between the lines on a page in a book.) Well, white space in my day, week, month, anywhere is not exactly my strong point. I don't seem to take that time to spend in between with God. To sit, listen, be still and learn. I mean my quiet time does happen, generally, but to really take more time to reflect and focus just doesn't really happen. Well, today I realized that I had nothing to do. At all. No friends to see, no people to talk to, no work and no homework. I found myself in a state of panic. I never have days like this. I didn't know what to do. Should I call someone? Try to find something to keep my busy? Go on a bike ride? Lunch? Dinner? Anything as to not have to be alone all day.

Then it hit me...White Space. God needed me to have this time, white space...nothing there in between the craziness of work, church and life. I needed this time to learn, grow, reflect and rest. That is what I did. I finished a book today. (Well, I read 3/4 of it today.) It was awesome. This book helped me to change my focus on life, relationships and God. I have come to realize that God has me here where I am for a purpose and a reason. This is something that He has been working on for a while now. I have realized that I need to work for Him and the cause that He has given me passion in. I am ready to step out, take a leap of faith and trust and grow that faith. I have asked God to Rock me this year. To Rock my world, grow me and use me in amazing, new ways. I am excited.

White space is definitely awesome!!!