Community

I have been thinking a lot lately about community? What does true authentic community look like? What is needed to have an authentic community? Vulnerability, trust, love, faith, hope? I truly believe that deep at the core of every person there is a burning desire for community, acceptance and love. If this is true how do we accomplish this? Is it part of the Church or not? What does it look like? Is there structure? Is it completely organic?

I know that this is a bunch of questions, but I would like to know your thoughts, feelings and ideas. What do you think true community is?

Worship

I have been spending a lot of time this past week thinking about worship. Now when I talk about worship I am talking about the actually worship service at a church, where we stand and sing and pray and listen. I know that worship takes on different forms and we all worship in different ways, but lets focus on the worship service for a while.

Here is the deal, I have been having a hard time with the worship at my church for the last couple of weeks. I don't know if it is the Southern Baptist in me that wants things to have an order or if the uneasiness that I have been feeling is something more. I am wondering when worship stops being worship and becomes a performance and a soapbox? Am I, as an imperfect human even able to make a judgement on that? That is where my problem lies. I feel as if the worship leader goes on and on in more of a show than that of surrender. Inserting sermonete after sermonete between songs and sharing opinions instead of letting it be a time of reflection. It could be me. It could be my problem, it isn't the way I am used to participating in worship and I do understand that, but if it is distracting me is it distracting others as well?

So here is my question...what does worship look like? can we say? Can we limit a leader? I don't know...what do you think?

Thanksgiving

As everyone knows yesterday was Thanksgiving. This was my first Thanksgiving in my 26 years of life that I have been away from family. Honestly, it was strange to not be at my aunt's house listening to my dad, uncle and grandma talk about politics, hearing my other uncle make snide remarks about family, still sitting at the kids table and running away to the movie theater with my cousin. I really missed it. They may seem strange, but I love my family and all the quirks that come with them. Needless to say I woke up yesterday and was sad. I was soon reminded though what we were really celebrating yesterday. Thankfulness.

I am thankful that I get to be here in Washington, one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. I am thankful that God has given me the opportunity to step out of the box and live a life that is completely different than the plans I had for my own life. I am thankful for the amazing people that are in my life. The amazing friends that I have met here in Washington, who have accepted me and loved me as their own without any qualms. I am thankful for my friends back home who are still some of the dearest people in my life. I am thankful for the amazing family that God has blessed me with, who love me and support me even when they don't understand why I do the things I do.

As I ate Thanksgiving dinner last night with Janelle, Dave, Anna and Ethan I realized how thankful I am. How thankful I am for friends like Nell and Dave who are more than friends, they are family. It was an awesome Thanksgiving with people I really love and I am grateful for family, friends, life, beauty, art and everything else that comes along with it. I am thankful for the here and now, the ability to love, hope, grow and be. Even though I may complain or cry, I may wish or dream, I am thankful for all that God does. I am thankful.

Stinkin Cold

I awoke this morning freezing cold. It was 55 degrees in my wonderful trailer and I was fearful to get up and leave the safety of my warm blankets. After I finally got the heater to start working I opened the door to find a frozen landscape in front of me. The entire place was covered with frozen dew. The grass was frozen, the car was frozen and by the time I was done walking my dog, I was frozen. The best part was when I returned from walking my dog I went to take a shower and the waterline to the trailer had frozen. I had no water!!! Finally the family whose house I live at came home and I was able to use their shower, but let's just say I was a little late to work. All this to say, I am adjusting to the cold, but this is really cold. I mean 45 during the day, 45 is a cold night in So Cal. There is the story and here are some pictures of the coldness this morning.

Random Randomness

I have had some random thoughts going through my head the past couple days and just decided to write them down. It ended up sounding pretty good (at least I think so) and I thought that I would share. This was the result of a random brain storm. Please respond on any or all of my questions...I am curious about others also, am I crazy with these thoughts? I don't know, but here goes...

Do you ever wonder how life changes so quickly or where you
would be if you had made different decisions, stood up for things or said
something that you really wanted to say, but were too scared?

Do you ever wonder how you got to the place you are
physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you were to talk to
someone that you miss terribly or if you were to really express who you
are?

Do you ever wonder why people and things come back into your
life at the strangest times and thoughts won't leave your head?

Do you ever wonder why emotions seem to be stronger than
rational and why your heart seems to always get in the way of your head?

Do you ever wonder why or how or what if?

Do you ever wonder...I do.

Church

Over the past few weeks I have been thinking about Churches, The Church, community and everything that goes along with these words. I have come to realize that I don't know how I feel about church anymore. This is not to say that I don't believe in the greater concept of The Church, but I have realized that I am very frustrated with churches. I think that many of them have lost their focus. They have forgotten about the greater concept of kingdom work and have become consumed by legalism, rules, definitions, buildings, events and money. No longer is the church about love, hope, discipleship and community. It breaks my heart that the church is not open to the broken and hurting people unless the people are willing to conform to their rules, standards and regulations. I mean honestly we have been called to Love, to Love everyone. Christ loved and went to the broken and dirty people. The people that didn't look like everyone else, talk like everyone else and live like everyone else. My heart is broken by this, it makes me sad that we are turning people away because they are different. When did we stop reaching out? When did saving face become the way of the Church?

I believe in the church and I love my church here and back home, but recently I have seen a trend that scares me. Not to say that it hasn't been happening for years, but my eyes have been opened to it and in a time when we claim to be so progressive, multicultural and aware how is it that we are so willing to close our doors and keep things safe, make ourselves look good and forget what we are really hear to do? We are here to offer hope and love to people who don't have it. Things need to change.

Always Ontime

I continue to find it amazing how God knows what we need when we need it. When I got to work this morning I had an email from one of the most amazing women I have ever known. Her email came right when I needed it. I have been discouraged and down the past few days and her email really offered the encouragement needed. This is what it said:

I pray, Jessica, that you will be encouraged, uplifted,
and carried through
this time. I pray your perseverence will lead to
fruit that cannot come
except by this way. I pray that God is getting
glorified in this
weakness. I pray that you know how much we love you
and believe in this
situation. HANG in there. Look up these
verses, but first here is
what my Bible study said today: "If I can
encourage you through my own
real-life pain, I'm telling you straight up-
stay. When you're too weary
and disillusioned to do anything else,
keep staying. God is working out
your faith. He's moving in ways
you can't even dream of. He's got a
comeback plan (though he's never
really behind) So do whatever it takes.
If you can't take the guy next
to you, wear earplugs. Endure the
staleness, Follow . Just don't
leave. Hang in there, you.
Upsets are especially
thrilling. Don't leave before the "upset" in the
game takes
place."

Verses:These are the blessings that accompany
faith,
patience, and perseveance:
Ps. 130:57
Gal. 6:9
Heb.
6:12 Heb. 10:35-36 Jas. 1:3-4 Jas. 5:7-11
Heb.
11:8

I love you. Journal these passages. Your life
is
writing a story right now. Write it down! You will make
it!

I pray that if you are discouraged that these words of encouragement may also help you.

Loneliness

Lonliness, it is an emotion or feeling that continues to amaze me. Not to think that I think it is something that is good, but it continues to hit me and work me at the most inopportune times, the times that really just don't make sense. I find it funny how at a time when I have more people surrounding me with prayer and time, that I feel more lonely. Maybe it is me just missing friends, maybe it is missing those significant relationships and the fact that I am having to build new relationships. Maybe there is something I have to learn. I really don't know. All that I do know is that loneliness keeps attacking and from every direction. I try to anticipate where it is going to come from next and somehow always seem to guess wrong. From the left or the right, from the past or the present I never know and never seem to be prepared. It is a vicious emotion that feels as it is eating you from the inside out and hurts in ways you could never imagine and the worst part is that it is really all in our minds. There is an answer and it is letting go and letting God have control of it, letting him fill the voids, yet it is so hard. Why is it so hard to let go of something that hurts so much? I don't know if we will ever be able to answer that.

Anyone?

I am really wondering if anyone really reads my blog or if I am just writing to myself. That is totally cool, too. I do enjoy writing.

So here is my thought...if you read this please leave a comment and let me know that you are here. That you are reading...that someone is out there.

Thanks

School

I have a little dilemma with school and I am not quite sure what to do. When I was in Southern California I was working on an MAEL (Masters of Educational Leadership) I was informed that if I wanted to go onto higher education (ie my PhD) then I should work on my MDiv (Masters of Divinity). So that was my new plan. THe MDiv requires 81 units while the MAEL is 49 units.

Well, the other day I was asked why I was working on my MDiv if I didn't plan on becoming a pastor. I informed my professor that I wanted to go onto get my PhD. I was then informed that if I wasn't planning on getting a DMin (Doctorate of Ministry) or a PhD in Biblical studies that I didn't need it. So here is the dilemma...I can potentially finish my MAEL, but we don't offer it at my campus, so I would have to travel to Mill Valley in the summer and in January to finish those few classes. I could switch and get a MTS (Masters of Theological Studies) which is also 49 units, or my third option is to double major and get both. If I did both I could use both depending on which way I want to go for my PhD (secular or Christian).

Any thoughts from anyone would be greatly appreciated. Other peoples opinions are always helpful.